I’m not telling tales out of school when I say that football gives America a collective boner. Frankly, after watching “Hard Knocks” this summer, I’m surprised half of the New York Jets defense hasn’t gotten into a police shoot-out already.

Brett Favre’s nephew plays quarterback for Mississppi State. Poetically, he is described as a “battler” and a “hard-nosed player” who “loves the game.” I’m so glad that my children will be able to experience a Favre waffling about retirement in 20 years.

Sometimes when I’m a little down and depressed, I remember the good old days of sporting scandals when Tiger Woods got caught with 14 women. There has not been a single good scandal since that time. Just some college athletes going to a party in Miami while not paying for the trip. Incidentally, how many of them do you think could afford to pay for the first class plane tickets and the five star hotel? Of course they went on someone else’s dime. Although, someone should’ve told them that spring break happens … in the spring. And not August.

College football is the greatest. I don’t have a joke for that previous sentence, that’s just a statement of fact.

Please feel free to argue that point while you watch the Buffalo Bills run the table in the opposite direction this year.

I watched the clinching game of the WNBA Championship game. Yes, it was awful. Yes, there were at most 30 people in the stands. Yes, it’s a terrible idea to show that game on TV. No, football wasn’t on. Yes, I’ll stop now.

Last year, Alexander Ovechkin was featured on a segment in which he took the reporter around for a day basically showing how dope his life is. It was awesome. I bring this up because HBO will have their “24/7” crew follow the Capitals and the Penguins this year ahead of their match-up in the Winter Classic. If Ovechkin just brings that same attitude for that show that he did for the brief ESPN segment, guess who’s gonna be watching? This guy.

My baseball watching this year could be described by this following phrase, “Eff you Papelbon.” As you can tell, it hasn’t been such a successful season.

Lance Stephenson, the greatest thing to come out of the New York City basketball scene ever (as told to him by his agent), has gotten into trouble again. For beating up his pregnant girlfriend. Stay classy, Lance. Do us all a favor and move to the San Fernando Valley and start doing porn already, save us all the headaches.

LeBron James was an epic fail. On the one hand, everyone wanted to know where he was going to play. On the other hand, Greenwich?

Why couldn’t all the upper-crust, rich New England towns bid on the opportunity to host him and the poorest looking children that the Boys and Girls Club could provide? I feel like my town missed its chance to be universally hated by Cleveland.

And, if football goes on strike next year, I’m mailing every owner in the league a brown paper bag of poop. You have been warned, all you rich billionaires who shouldn’t be using the NFL to pad your own fortunes.

Maystrovsky is an alumni of the class of 2010.

Gaza solidarity encampment: Live updates

The Campus Times is live tracking the Gaza solidarity encampment on Wilson Quad and the administrative response to it. Read our updates here.

Live updates: Wallis Hall sit-ins

Editor’s Note (5/4/24): This article is no longer being updated. For our most up to date coverage, look for articles…

Israeli-Palestinian conflict reporting disclosures

The Campus Times is a club student newspaper with a small reporting staff at a small, private University. We are…