Golf is racist. To be fair, golf isn’t really a sport, but please keep the first sentence in mind while you read the rest of this column. If you’ve been living under a rock or simply refuse to engage in the delightful game known as ‘celebrity gossip” then you probably wouldn’t know that Tiger Woods just came out of the cave that he had custom-built, announced he will be playing in the Masters and did his first television interview (on his terms, with a time limit and a set of softball questions that a two year old could answer).

Why is Tiger Woods in so much trouble? Is there some sort of law on being faithful that I’m not aware of? Why are we judging what a man does with his own wang?

This has become the most pathetic controversy that I’ve ever had the pleasure of witnessing and that includes the outcry over Bill Clinton banging an intern (who, in case everyone forgot, was of legal age and therefore able to make her own decisions. But I digress).

The basics of Tiger Woods boil down to the fact that a married billionaire multi-racial athlete, who travels constantly by himself and who gets an unconscionable amount of offers for elicit hookups, broke down and accepted a few of the offers.

So why was he ostracized? It shouldn’t be because he slept with some women (14 at last count) because we as a nation have already been through some massive sex scandals and it doesn’t seem like we’ve dragged their name through the mud (Clinton, take a bow).
It couldn’t possibly be because he’s a golfer, otherwise John Daly would never see the light of day. Which brings us back to my original point and what I assume would be the take-away point of this article. Golf is racist.

Golf is a naturally exclusionary sport. Invented by a bunch of bored Englishmen who grew tired with tennis, it is the only activity that discourages crowds and any form of fandom. It’s amazing that people actually show up to the events. Players will actually have people escorted from the course for talking. How ridiculous. It’s a perfect sport for all the southern gentlemen who populate Augusta National, an exclusive membership that didn’t invite its first black member until 1990 and hasn’t allowed a woman as a member ever.

How does any of this make golf racist? Let’s play a little game:

Player A is a white golfer who has been a poster boy for shenanigans and offensive behavior his entire career. He’s fat, drinks a crapload and cheated numerous times on his wife, yet still holds several endorsement deals.

Player B is of mixed race, a much more superior player who hasn’t had a single transgression his entire career and due to a single (albeit massive) incident, lost a significant amount of endorsements.

Player A is the aforementioned John Daly, who is almost a beloved outlaw figure in golf.

Player B is obviously Tiger Woods, who is, according to numerous reporters and players, the scum of the earth.

Obviously CBS was doing cartwheels when Woods announced he was coming back for the Masters, as it probably guarantees that a significant portion of the female population will be watching (most of whom couldn’t tell you where Augusta is located) just to see Tiger fail.
It has been reported that the members of Augusta advised Woods not to play at the Masters as it would be ‘bad publicity.”

Or there could be a better reason; golf is racist.

Maystrovsky is a member of the class of 2010.

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