I often wonder where couples used to publicly display their love and affection before the inception of Starbucks.

Why is it that they have claimed stakes over our sacred caffeinated watering hole? Are these really the next generation of smartest kids that have been accepted into our fine university?

As a senior, I really should know such things, or maybe these heinous underclassmen have brought with them a twisted view of our social and moral conduct.

Yes, we are in college, but please do not do things you’d be embarrassed to do in front of your professors, parents or Jesus.

Is the sanctity in getting one’s afternoon cup of coffee without a plethora of love-handle grabbing, tonsil hockey and dry-humping demonstration gone?

I understand that when you are out partying, maybe at a fraternity party or a local club, you will find a random hook-up buddy to latch your lips on.

When I’m at a party, I’m prepared to look past such foolish instances in my beautiful drunken ignorance. However, when I’m painfully sober in the morning, the last thing I want to see is you ‘trying to be cute” with your significant other.

I also advise couples to stop following each other to all of their classes and let the rest of us learn sans vomiting.

Let this old senior tell you what is socially acceptable and what is not.

There is a fine line between the Hollywood kiss and your nauseating attempt. I’m going to explain to you the scale of unattractiveness to the amount and type of PDA allotted.

Keep in mind that in countries like Saudi Arabia, any amount of PDA is strictly prohibited.

Let’s start off with the bottom-of-the-barrel couple.

Let’s pretend that you are a citizen of Saudi Arabia and abide by its rules.

Now if you find yourself average, feel free to hold hands, but do not let them stray elsewhere. For those more fortunate who can be categorized as good-looking, a short peck goodbye is always tolerable.

I want to emphasize the two factors that exacerbate these offenses: duration and location. This means that when I blink my eyes, the worst of it should be over, and I don’t want to bump into it when I’m traversing the tunnels.

Now that you have familiarized yourself with these simple rules, I will leave you with some constructive and healthy PDA alternatives.

I propose verbalizing your love instead of showing it.

Have you ever tried making friends other than your significant other? You can also save yourself for marriage if you are going to be tempted otherwise.

Try taking up a number of hobbies knitting a new thong, training for the Olympic archery team or learning to catch a fish with your bare hands.

Hey, if you are not the problem, dump that leech.

Couples that have to constantly prove their love in public settings to justify their tanking relationship, please, just go see a therapist at the University Counseling Center.

If you are an exhibitionist and get a kick out of PDA, discover the wonderful world of YouTube and stop being a nuisance to your innocent classmates.

I don’t think I’m alone in shielding my eyes from images that make my Estima extra bitter.

We are paying good money to enjoy our religious daily java jolt. Next time you feel the urge to merge, please remember, ‘What would Jesus do?”

Sakamoto is a member of the class of 2009.



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