Aries (March 21&-April 19) What’s the biggest party this weekend? Saddle up in Gleason Studio C, you party animal!
Taurus (April 20&-May 20) Stick to the five major food groups this weekend: Easy Mac, Geny Lite, Starbucks, Pop Tarts and drunken calls to Domino’s at 3 a.m.
Gemini (May 21&-June 21) This week, all your wildest dreams will come true! Particularly if you manage to get your hands on some ‘shrooms.
Cancer (June 22&-July 22) Some people were just born to wear leggings and UGG boots. Since your middle school nickname was Jumbo Jelly Legs, maybe you should buy some sweatpants instead.
Leo (July 23&-Aug. 22) You’re a wizard, Harry.
Virgo (Aug. 23&-Sept. 22) Superglue your suitemate’s favorite Manolos to the floor. That’ll teach her to take your milk out of the mini-fridge.
Libra (Sept. 23&-Oct. 22) Despite what the posters say, National Eating Disorder Week doesn’t give you an excuse to eat that extra Boscoe stick.
Scorpio (Oct. 23&-Nov. 21) Back away from the freshmen.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22&-Dec. 21) Valentine’s Day was so romantic. For people with boyfriends. Or any semblance of hope.
Capricorn (Dec. 22&-Jan. 19) Don’t worry. No one saw what you did during the black-out… except for God.
Aquarius (Jan. 20&-Feb. 18) Don’t fret when you get a 12 on your bio exam. Due to the 943,043 point curve, you actually got an A! Isn’t our school neat!?
Pisces (Feb. 19&-March 20) Good news: that embarrassing YouTube video you thought everyone forgot about just got put in High Definition. Hello week’s most viewed!
(If you actually believe this, then you think the ‘cookie diet” works.)