Aries (March 21&-April 19) Kicked that abusive significant other but still want that S’M flavor? Greek Rush is upon us.

Taurus (April 20&-May 20) Going to a strip club during a weekday is like buying expired food. Sure it’s cheap, but it will probably make you sick.

Gemini (May 21&-June 21) You don’t need the gym to lose the Freshman 15. The bursar now accepts pounds of flesh.

Cancer (June 22&-July 22) Your obsession with white powder makes you a better fit for a couch in a back room on the Fraternity Quad than for a spot on the ski team.

Leo (July 23&-Aug. 22) Take up ‘World of Warcraft.” Anyone who says that battling trolls is not a useful skill hasn’t seen the UR feminine specimen.

Virgo (Aug. 23&-Sept. 22) Prepare for President McCain to screw this country; buy stock in Cialis.

Libra (Sept. 23&-Oct. 22) Don’t worry about failing your CAS class. You can still be a stripper or a VP candidate.

Scorpio (Oct. 23&-Nov. 21) You’ll be amazed how long you can sleep in after your professors say that all the notes are online.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22&-Dec. 21) You’ll find that all that glitters is not gold after praying to the porcelain god on Goldschlager night.

Capricorn (Dec. 22&-Jan. 19) After your floormates finish having sex in the shower, you’ll try to convince yourself that you’re only standing in shampoo.

Aquarius (Jan. 20&-Feb. 18) The only thing that is better than KY his and hers is KY his and hers and hers.

Pisces (Feb. 19&-March 20) Freshmen will be easily confused about which sorority you mean when you say you’re going to the Drama House.

(If you actually believe this, then you believe it really is her and not you.)

SA seeks student input on reservation space shortage

The end of the semester is always packed with performances by student organizations and academic departments alike. Due to the…

My Oscars 2023 reactions

Many films were nominated for various awards this year — some won, certain ones were snubbed, and others were deservedly recognized.

The only reliable thing about the shuttle system is its ability to drive me crazy

The bus schedule is many things, so I’ll tell you what it isn’t. Reliable. On-time. Consistent.