Aries (March 21-April 19) – After a night with a new girl, your roommate will tell you how love was in the air and then, unfortunately, love landed on your pillow.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – The school thinks it should cancel D-Day because it is a big drinking festival. What the administration doesn’t know is that there is a lot of sex and drugs involved, too.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – While working on applications, you won’t be able to remember if the health admissions adviser emphasized nailing the interview or the interviewer.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Slow and steady wins the race, but think of your poor roommate, he’s waiting outside!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – To put blue balls in terms women can understand, it’s like marrying an older man only to have him donate all his money to charity upon his death.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Going to a track meet is like a random hook-up. There’s a lot of build up, then 30 seconds of excitement and a long period of awkward waiting for the next event.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Girls wearing stilettos at bars are the best to pick up. You can use their shoe to put the notch in your bed post!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – With the help of a nice young lady, you and your roommate will feel cultured as you bring the Eiffel Tower to the River Campus.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Wear a clown costume to your next midterm. It will distract the rest of the class and really boost the curve!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – To avoid getting herpes, you will have to rely heavily on quick reflexes when the campus tramp blows you a kiss.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – When a bully fractures your collar bone while stealing your milk money, the doctor will say you have calcium deficiencies. Oh, sweet irony.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Tired after a gym session but your boyfriend wants to come over to your suite? Well remember, many hands makes quick work!

(If you already knew this, then you’re a true fan! Thanks for reading!)

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