Aries (March 21-April 19) – You’re not the sharpest tool in the box, but you’re certainly a tool.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – While men are from Mars and women are from Venus, you’re boyfriend is only interested in visiting Uranus.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Can’t convince your man to sleep in your room? Set up an invisible fence around your suite and get creative with the collar!

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Time sure flies when you’re having fun, but that minute and a half seemed like an eternity to her.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Now that URos are accepted at The Distillery, you won’t have to spend your parent’s textbook money on books!

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – As you begin to approach third base, the chants of “warm up the bus” coming from her suitemates will be quite discouraging.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – When your clingy girlfriend catches you with another woman, use the ol’ “surrogate-mother-for-your-birthday” line.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – While many women carry pepper spray for protection, you find it also doubles as an excellent topping for the Pit burger.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Your enjoyment of Earth Hour was spoiled when you saw your roommate’s A/C running to combat the dorm’s heat.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Remember, it’s the bouncer’s job to sort out the ones under 18, not yours!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – When creating your schedule, remember that freshman courses usually give the best odds for playing the grade curve gamble at the end of the semester.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – You’ll be reminded more of a lava lamp than a cyclone when you watch the dancers at a Rochester gentleman’s club.

(If you actually believe this, then you believe it’s not butter..)

Pep-less in Seattle

If greatness, achievement, or Ohio State’s Best Damn Band In The Land tickles your fancy, ditch those high hopes for rugby and a worn-out kazoo.

To everyone, everything, that’s no longer mine

You left so many pieces of you with me — I’m a mosaic. You gave me pretty stained glass, and when you left it cracked into shards.

“Love? In THIS economy?”

In a nation crumbling under political strife and the imminent threat of global warming, there’s clearly one issue that should take precedence above all others: my love life.