Aries (March 21-April 19) – You’re not the sharpest tool in the box, but you’re certainly a tool.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – While men are from Mars and women are from Venus, you’re boyfriend is only interested in visiting Uranus.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Can’t convince your man to sleep in your room? Set up an invisible fence around your suite and get creative with the collar!

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Time sure flies when you’re having fun, but that minute and a half seemed like an eternity to her.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Now that URos are accepted at The Distillery, you won’t have to spend your parent’s textbook money on books!

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – As you begin to approach third base, the chants of “warm up the bus” coming from her suitemates will be quite discouraging.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – When your clingy girlfriend catches you with another woman, use the ol’ “surrogate-mother-for-your-birthday” line.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – While many women carry pepper spray for protection, you find it also doubles as an excellent topping for the Pit burger.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Your enjoyment of Earth Hour was spoiled when you saw your roommate’s A/C running to combat the dorm’s heat.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Remember, it’s the bouncer’s job to sort out the ones under 18, not yours!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – When creating your schedule, remember that freshman courses usually give the best odds for playing the grade curve gamble at the end of the semester.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – You’ll be reminded more of a lava lamp than a cyclone when you watch the dancers at a Rochester gentleman’s club.

(If you actually believe this, then you believe it’s not butter..)

Looking beyond the scope of campus: what we should do with our eclipse glasses

Receiving glasses for free was a privilege that not everyone in the path of totality had.

“Imaginary” is an unimaginative horror flick

As a horror enthusiast, “Imaginary” was disappointing. I love the horror genre, but the film was just not scary. It…

Blindspots: Unconditional aid is turning Israel into a rogue state

This unconditional aid has empowered a small regional power to drift further and further from international accountability.