I’d say I’m your typical college student. I spend the weekdays watching “Rock of Love” and my weekends doing very productive, model-student things that have no relation whatsoever to the game of Beirut.

In the monotonous life that inevitably forms from collegiate stuff, there’s one thing that keeps me from OD-ing on Blimpies, only to be found three weeks later in the tunnels, half-eaten by wild dogs. You guessed it: Facebook.

It’s a cliche; topic, I know. I love Facebook, but recently I’ve been alarmed by the amount of disregard for the rules that should be followed by all upstanding Facebook citizens! Some people are misinformed, some are disrespectful and some are just ignorant. So I’d like to compose a list to aid the public in their Facebooking. I shall call this list “The Top Five Things You Should Know About Facebook.”

1. Facebook is acceptable stalking. Wanna check out that hottie you macked it with at Chi Phi last night? Maybe ask him to meet you for a latt? Check out his Facebook. If his profile picture is any of the following, you should be alarmed. Is he leaning on a plastic chair under a banner that says,”Class of 2007″? Abort! If he has a sword, a cape or a “SIMCON 2008!” flyer anywhere near his profile pic, you need to send this hobbit back to the Shire. Lastly, if his hair is spiked, his collar popped and he is exposing a shaven chest while one hand gropes a fake-tanned SUNY Geneseo chick and another downing whey protein, the beer goggles have fooled you once again. Welcome to college. We all make mistakes.

2. Facebook has a myriad of applications. Some are cool, like “Bumper Stickers” or “Harry Potter’s Competition for the House Cup” (unless you’re a Hufflepuff, in which case, lame). But some are red flags, like, “Which sexy song are you?” People who have these tend to be the sort of people who still call sex “Sexual Intercourse” and giggle at the word penis. Just a word of caution. Ha. Penis.

3. Just so you’re aware of what you’re getting into, once you begin a poke war, there’s no ending it. It’s like Pringles. Except once you poke, the fun wears away really, really fast.

4. It’s OK to untag ugly pictures of yourself. Obviously you only want potential serial stalkers to see you in your best light. However, it is unacceptable to make entire albums of just pictures of you in your bikini or soffe shorts or on a nude beach while vacationing in France. Porn is what the real Internet is for. Just ask Eliot Spitzer.

5. It is never acceptable to friend adults. I don’t know what stupid kid in Kansas said, “Hey Ma! Come gets a looks at the facenovel!” but now there’s no avoiding it. You do not want your mom to see the pictures of you in your naughty Little Mermaid Halloween costume. Viva la resistance!

In conclusion, I hope these guidelines will serve you well. I’m going to go win a poke war. This is Sparta.

Schneier is a member ofthe class of 2011.

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