Aries (March 21-April 19) – When you have an Indian girlfriend who likes to cook, everything she forces you to eat smells terrible.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Horny? Why wait? Grab a fraternity boy!

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Any drug is a study drug if you do it at the library!

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – When you find out you have to pay your parking tickets to get your transcript released, you’ll begin to reconsider applying to Medical School.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Although vertical stripes have slimming effects, wearing horizontal stripes gives the girls something to blame.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Don’t forget to donate to the senior class gift! It’s one of the last opportunities for the school to screw you!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – As you slip on the sidewalk in front of Danforth, you’ll wish they took some salt off your burger and put it to a good use.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Although you thought it was a fitting name for the new mascot, the school decided not to go with Buzzkill the Bee.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Remember, the bigger they are the harder they fall. Don’t loft your bed higher than your standards!

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Have a bad cold? Don’t wash your hands? misery loves company!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – The hair is always blonder on your neighbor’s wife!

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Despite their strong convictions toward women’s equality, the two girls who jumped in your cab after senior night still neglected to pitch in.

(If you actually believe this, then you believe humans can be as big as Clemens…)

Eclipse Portends Humanity’s Descent Back Into the Dark Ages

By: Rachel UnCaren Rochester officials are bracing for our latest descent into the dark ages, when God next deigns to…

An interview with HermAphrodite, UR’s newest drag performer

“That’s incredibly satisfying for me, to kind of dress bigger and a lot more feminine than I would normally and have people not recognize me even though I’m calling more attention to myself in my opinion,” she explained.

The better CDCS: Melcourses

Melcourses allows students to search and schedule courses, organize selected sections, and identify time conflicts in preparation for the next semester.