Aries (March 21-April 19) – As the girl took the walk of shame from the football suite, it was no coincidence that she looked like a trainwreck.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – When hunting, points are awarded for how many antlers a deer has. With cougars, it’s how many children she has!

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Although you were successful in sneaking into Danforth, as you return to your hall’s bathroom you’ll be reminded that there is no such thing as a free lunch.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Remember to respect your elders, they may not have written their wills yet!

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – You’ll feel uncomfortable with the wink the farmer gives you while saying he had worn a sheepskin condom before.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – You’re beginning to believe that students wouldn’t fear the real world so much if every professor here didn’t appear to hate their job.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – No means no. Maybe means go down first!

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – If a teacher brings up UR’s academic honesty policy during class, it probably means the material is the same as the previous year.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Whether it is an act or a sports team, it seems like everything claiming to be patriotic is hated by most U.S. citizens.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – As you peel away another layer of blister, you will regret putting your blow up doll in the microwave to “enhance the experience!”

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Similar to the Justice League’s battles with the Legion of Doom, members of UR’s greek community must constantly struggle to save fun from the evil clutches of the ACJC.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Pesky boyfriend asking for backdoor entry? A prune smoothie before your next movie night should put an end to that!

(If you actually believe this, then you believe Spring is just around the corner.)

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