Aries (March 21-April 19) – When your friend tells you there are plenty of fish in the sea, you will look around campus and remind him that whales are actually mammals.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – The design of River Campus is a real feat of engineering; no matter which way you walk, the wind blows directly in your face!

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Tired after a gym session but your boyfriend wants to come over to your suite? Well remember, many hands makes quick work!

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – A recent poll showed that the most common STIs picked up after drunken hook-ups are girlfriends. A common cure is call screening and infidelity.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – This weekend you will finally have enough of your lesbian suite mate leaving the seat up.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Ignorance is bliss? Don’t get tested!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – If girls love rockers, then fake girls must love fake rockers. Bring your copy of “Rock Band” to the nearest sorority floor and wait for the groupies.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Lack of sunlight getting you down? Buy a UV light. Then you can grow drugs to make you feel better!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – This weekend you’ll regret spiking your hair before motorboating your girlfriend’s new implants.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Try serving carrot juice at your next party. It will make the girls want to breed like rabbits!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – The eagerness of the Red Cross volunteers to get your blood will make you suspicious that they are actually vampires.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – When sleeping over at a guy’s place don’t forget a pad lest you gain the nickname ‘The Matador.’

(if you actually believe this, then you believe the new dorms are safe.)

An open letter to all members of any university community

I strongly oppose the proposed divestment resolution. This resolution is nothing more than another ugly manifestation of antisemitism at the University.

Recording shows University statement inaccurate about Gaza encampment meeting

The Campus Times obtained a recording of the April 24 meeting between Gaza solidarity encampment protesters and administrators. A look inside the discussions.

Live updates: Wallis Hall sit-ins

Editor’s Note (5/4/24): This article is no longer being updated. For our most up to date coverage, look for articles…