Aries (March 21-April 19) – You find it sad that students from other schools come to UR on the weekend for its “great” parties.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Based on the latest trend, you can’t help but say that Soho East must have one heck of a promoter.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – The sport we know as the biathlon, in which an athlete skis and then shoots a rifle, was based on winter in the 19th Ward.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – You will feel uneasy when you ask the professor about the average grade of a course and he says “If you have to ask, you probably can’t pass it!”

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – If it seems too good to be true, then you probably have to pay for it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – When you first meet a group of girls, remember that once you pick one, others are off-limits forever. Choose wisely!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – What happens in the stacks, stays in the stacks. Well, at least until someone borrows the book she was on.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Don’t pick chicks up at the airport, they usually are carrying a lot of baggage.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Dating tennis players is the best. They love it when you don’t return service.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You will soon realize that wearing tight jeans to lower your sperm count is a totally legit method of birth control.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You’ll wonder what it is about tall, thin, long-legged women that makes them look so smart.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Be careful what you wish for, there is such a thing as too big!

(If you actually believe this, then you believe the Phillies have a chance.)



Making first impressions: Don’t get stuck in your head

Perhaps the only way to prevent yourself from sinking into that ocean of once-seen faces, to light a rescue beacon before it’s too late, is to do something remarkable.

I SAW A MAN IN THE WOODS (CLICKBAIT!!!!)

You are an absolute buffoon. I’m crying from laughing as I type this, just imagining your dumbfounded face. How could you fall for this?

Available now, for a limited time: Pig Syrup

The fact that this market hasn’t been tapped yet astounds me. There are so many reasons to transform into a pig!