Aries (March 21-April 19) – You find it sad that students from other schools come to UR on the weekend for its “great” parties.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Based on the latest trend, you can’t help but say that Soho East must have one heck of a promoter.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – The sport we know as the biathlon, in which an athlete skis and then shoots a rifle, was based on winter in the 19th Ward.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – You will feel uneasy when you ask the professor about the average grade of a course and he says “If you have to ask, you probably can’t pass it!”

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – If it seems too good to be true, then you probably have to pay for it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – When you first meet a group of girls, remember that once you pick one, others are off-limits forever. Choose wisely!

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – What happens in the stacks, stays in the stacks. Well, at least until someone borrows the book she was on.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Don’t pick chicks up at the airport, they usually are carrying a lot of baggage.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Dating tennis players is the best. They love it when you don’t return service.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You will soon realize that wearing tight jeans to lower your sperm count is a totally legit method of birth control.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You’ll wonder what it is about tall, thin, long-legged women that makes them look so smart.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Be careful what you wish for, there is such a thing as too big!

(If you actually believe this, then you believe the Phillies have a chance.)



Dr. Olidamra’s commitment to benefiting armadillo research

“Yeah, he’s a bit... weird about his armadillos,” Deckham added, awkwardly shuffling his feet. “Like, he talks to them. A lot.”

I do, I don’t, I really don’t: The Marriage Pact story

Once again, if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that this school is goddamn tiny, and do you really want to marry anyone you took Calculus with?

BREAKING: Campus Times staff resigns seemingly all at once

This schedule was interrupted Sunday March 30, when seven elected staff members suddenly declared their immediate resignations from the newspaper.