How to get a girl in bed:

1. Choose the girl you want.2. Discretely find out where she lives, how to get there, and when she’s home.3. Dress all in black and wear night vision goggles and leather gloves.4. Just kidding.

It’s important to note that if you receive any of the following signals from a girl, your chances are far better than they are with a random girl who hasn’t even noticed you. It’s also important to keep in mind that we all do these things subconsciously, so look to see if the cute girl across the room is showing any signs of interest.

We all scan the face of a person we just met for about three seconds. When we’re attracted to that person, we stare for exactly 4.62 seconds – no more, no less. It has to be exactly 4.62. Always.

When you first lay eyes on a girl you’re attracted to, your eyebrows unintentionally rise and then fall. The whole thing lasts about a fifth of a second so if you intend to show her you want her you should raise your eyebrows for a whole second or even two before lowering them again. And it’s a good idea to really exaggerate this move to be sure she picks up your signal.

Our pupils dilate and our blinking rates speed up at the sight of an appealing person. So if you’re attracted to a girl, you should consider blinking excessively. If all goes well, she’ll start blinking back. And if she’s a sure thing then the two of you will do some synchronized, rapid blinking which looks really cool.

So lets talk about the moves that will make it happen. One way to go about getting a girl into bed is a long night of ass-kissing and flattery. Just tell her she’s beautiful, laugh at her dull, senseless jokes, listen to her monotonous, mind-numbing stories and ask her to introduce you to her friends.

If you’re at a bar you should always offer to buy her a drink, as you well know. But you should also quietly request that the bar tender kicks it up to a double shot. And buy her at least two of these.

But I’m serious when I say that meeting and impressing her friends is a must. First of all, she’ll love it and second of all she’ll ultimately need their approval. This is the cunning move that will really seal the deal because she’ll undoubtedly ask her friends at the end of the night if she should spend it with you and its imperative that they’re on your side. And who knows, she may ruthlessly reject you in which case you should go for one of her friends because good-looking girls generally travel in packs.

So what have we learned today? Well, use your face and watch hers, humor her nonsense, meet her friends, put the condom on before you go out, and support intoxication. And if all else fails, slip her a 50. Good luck!

Foster is a member of the class of 2009.

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