Aries (March 21-April 19) – I sure am glad to have a Starbucks on campus. Now I can finally put my Italian 101 knowledge to use!

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – I wonder what Alanis Morissette thinks of a condom company named after a historical event in which an impregnable city was flooded with unwanted men.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Remember, no one suspects chocolates of containing roofies.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – A recent study has shown that the happiness of a couple follows a 28 day cycle.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Hitting the blue handicap button as you pass does not count as holding the door for someone.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – You will begin to question your prowess in the bedroom after you receive a C- from the professor you were fooling around with.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – When late to class, it’s best to walk in with a swagger and make a scene. The professor will love your confidence.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Darwin considered the success of an organism to be determined by how much it reproduces. You would be amazed at how unsuccessful people with a 4.0 are.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Why do today what you can copy tomorrow?

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – When you go to the doctor for a rash on your penis, he’ll tell you not to worry about the little things.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – I wonder how much the taxi services of Rochester paid UR to invest in tiny buses for senior nights.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Hate talking to people? Buy a Blackberry! You’ll never have to engage a person face-to-face again!

(If you believe this then you believe that the Courage Bowl wasn’t fixed.)



Valentine’s Day Massacre for UR Women’s Hoops

UR led Brandeis in nearly every category in their victory, with Gress leading UR with 24 points and 12 assists.

Why am I in college?

A deeper lack of tangible hopes and goals is rather common among college students, particularly in an ever-evolving and often unpredictable world.

Michael Che’s Winterfest set welcomes lackluster comedy and announces his exit from SNL

Perhaps the most notable takeaway from this is Michael Che’s statement that he may be leaving SNL. What he intends to do afterward is unknown, but I’d urge him to reconsider if he’s looking to pivot back to stand-up.