Aries (March 21-April 19) – MuscleMilk shakes were not what you had in mind when you told your girlfriend to drink more protein.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – While at a strip club bar and grill, you’ll think twice about ordering the seafood platter.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – When you accidentally walk in on your shy friend with a gorgeous girl, you will finally understand the phrase ‘speak softly and carry a big stick.’

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – When your girlfriend told you she was giving up sex for Lent, you immediately knew what you had to give up. Monogamy.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Frowning uses a lot more muscles than smiling. This must explain why fellatio is way better from depressed girls.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Men are like March because when they first get to your room, they’re sheepish and nice, but when they leave, they’re always lyin’.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – If you’re going to the beach for spring break, remember to wait 30 minutes before swimming after you eat out (with) a girl.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – The best way to get drugs off the street is to buy them and take them home.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Usually, the longer you wait for things, the better they are. Unfortunately this is not the case with the parking office.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – After losing the re-election for club president, you will tell people you’re a lame duck. Unfortunately for you, the girls you’ve been with are calling you a lame something else?

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You can’t help but think back to childhood memories of the boy scout salute as you give a girl the shocker.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – You know college is great when playing Beirut with a girl on the Frat Quad counts as a date.

(If you actually believe this, then you believe drinking alcohol kills cold viruses.)

What’s the Buzz? Bross speaks on Bee Campus certification

Becoming Bee Campus certified gives the University more points on the STARS program, which assigns ratings to campuses for their sustainable efforts.

The Joker speaks

This sent me down a rabbit hole — how much force do you need to physically remove a male genitalia from the rest of the body?

Pyskaty/Bader-Gregory ticket wins SA presidency

Sophomore Daniel Pyskaty, former SA Senator and Chair of the Academic Affairs Committee, will be next year’s SA President, succeeding…