Aries (March 21-April 19) – If you missed the Super Bowl this past Sunday, just watch ESPN for the next month. You should be able to piece the game together during their endless analysis.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Writing horoscopes is a lot like studying history, except that history deals with the past, and horoscopes predict the future.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – You know how you made that list of things to do before you die? Well, I’m not gonna say you’re in for a bad week, but I’d get started on that?
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – You won’t find the meaning of life in a book or on an old scroll. You’ll find it under a miniskirt.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) -When someone says you’re one in a million, it means you’re just like thousands of others.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Cheaters never win, but life is a game that no one wins. Do with that what you will.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) -Try to pick up a girl with a multiple personality disorder, – it’s like having a threesome.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) -Having the tunnel system here at Rochester is really great. Without it, our classes might occasionally be cancelled when the temperature reaches absolute zero.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – After meeting you, a local priest will begin to doubt some of God’s creation decisions.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Some worry too much about the future and can’t enjoy the present. Some don’t worry enough and won’t enjoy the future. You, however, dwell in the past, and are totally screwed.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – It’s almost time for Valentine’s Day, the holiday of love, or severe depression. It depends on your relationship status.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – When you play the friend game on Facebook, you’ll realize you don’t really know your friends. Maybe it’s because you just friend people when you’re hammered.
(If you actually believe this, then you believe the reports on Fox News.)