Once upon a time, Facebook was the next big thing. I was a sophomore when this radical era of change was occurring; I was on the forefront of a revolution. Once upon a time, I used Facebook to branch out and to stalk people in a more socially acceptable way. I used to actually read people’s profiles, back in a time when the profiles were actually created to be accurate reflections of a person’s life. There used to be a time when strapping young lads on the prowl (like myself) would look at a person’s “relationship status,” and trust what they were reading to be true. You could see whether the girl you hooked up with the night before was “so drunk,” because she had 10 shots in 10 minutes, or because she needed an alibi to tell her boyfriend. Today, the relationship status’ are meaningless – either that, or close to 30 percent of my Facebook friends are gay.

This “relationship status” is becoming far too powerful. I believe that it has recently overtaken AIM for the most common way of “breaking up.” Soon enough, it’ll be the definitive way to know if you’re “going out.”

Once upon a time, having a lot of Facebook friends was a huge accomplishment. This was at a time when the only “networks” were colleges and finding a person at a different college was an absolute bitch. It would be a big time commitment to search for and find an old high school buddy – it was a legitimate act of true friendship. Therefore, when someone had a lot of friends it was assumed that they were popular. I took the low road to popularity. In order to increase my number of Facebook friends, I made a series of questionable decisions.

First I accepted as friends people in Rochester who I barely knew. Next, I accepted as friends, high school classmates who I most certainly was not friends with. Take my “friend” who agreed to give me a TI 83 calculator in return for setting him up on a date (assuming the date went well). Three months later, when the date (at that point his girlfriend) dumped my “friend” for cheating on her, this “friend,” went to his mom and told her that I stole his calculator.

Anyway, this “friend” can be found on my Facebook page, and I got a C in calculus my first semester because I didn’t have a graphing calculator. My final despicable act was, during my sophomore year, accepting as friends, incoming freshman whom I had never met. These days though, it’s getting ridiculous. It wouldn’t be so bad that half of the girls in my sister’s 11th grade class requested my Facebook friendship – that is, it wouldn’t have been so bad had they not posted photos of themselves drinking alcohol, smoking weed, and just, in general, being sluts.

To make matters worse, when I was in 11th grade, these were the same type of girls who rejected their high school classmates in order to lust after college guys. Now I’m that guy and I can’t even take advantage of the situation.

Once upon a time, people would have respectable profiles that relied upon wit, creativity, and originality. Today, college students are petrified with fear that their potential employers will review their Facebook profiles and consequently not hire them. They claim it to be an injustice, that on a web site whose purpose is to “get your name out there,” these employers will see pictures of their job applicants acting more drugged up than Robert Downey Jr. and make their hiring decisions accordingly.

Here are some interests that I found while scanning through my friends’ profiles: “making fun of fat/unattractive people,” “drinking,” “smoking the chronic,” “only smoking when I’m drunk,” “engaging in orgies,” “filming orgies,” and finally the ever so popular (from seven different people) “doggie style.” Now tell me, would you honestly want someone who lists “doggie style” as one of their primary interests to work for you?

Schwartz is a member of the class of 2007.

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