Aries (March 21-April 19) – Well, it looks like the cold weather has arrived. Time to say goodbye to cleavage and thighs!
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – As you walk through the PRR, you will wonder what class everyone is taking that requires such extensive Facebook usage.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – You will always see your sister as the little girl with pigtails you pushed in your tire swing. When she visits, however, your frat brothers will see something completely different.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Stealing candy from babies isn’t as easy as it looks, especially when they’re baby wolverines.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – It’s hard to appreciate what you have until it’s gone. After a trip to the casinos, you will really appreciate money.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Life is a stage, and we are the actors. You’re the guy working the curtains. Don’t be seen!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – This week, your advisor will tell you to take some more challenging courses, even though it’s your senior year. I would seek a second opinion on that.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – People always call you a worry-wart. What they don’t know is that you are actually a panicky-pimple!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Don’t cry over spilt breast milk. There’s more where that came from!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – To write horoscopes, one must look into the sky and observe the stars. If it’s cloudy though, a good substitute is just watching E!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – If life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Or better yet, stuff them in your pants and make big promises!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – When a bully fractures your collar bone while stealing your milk money, the doctor will say you have calcium deficiencies. Oh, sweet irony.
(If you actually believe this then you believe Heroes is different from X-Men.)