Aries (March 21-April 19) – This week all your dreams will come true! Unfortunately, so will your worst nightmares.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – After three lonely weekends, you will realize the Axe advertisements are obvious dramatizations.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – After listening to the radio you will do some serious soul-searching and ask, do my chains hang low?

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – You can’t drown your sorrows in alcohol, you have to suffocate them with lapdances.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Now that September is over, it’s time to end the ‘New school-year, New you’ attitude. You’re not fooling anyone.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – During a transatlantic flight, you will suddenly become fed up with the amount of snakes on the plane.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – As you call MERT, you can’t help but chuckle at the irony of how your date was going to “slip” into something more comfortable in the bathroom.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You wouldn’t have been so upset when your girlfriend left you for your professor if you had at least passed the class.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Every cloud has a silver lining! The problems you encounter this week will be the exception to this rule.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Wear a clown costume to your next mid-term. It will distract the rest of the class and really boost the curve!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – When your friends’ twin sisters visit next weekend, you will be the rock that kills two birds! Unfortunately, neither one is a swallow.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – As you bend down to tie your shoe, you will think back to when you first tied a knot. Wasn’t that a great time? You probably weren’t in Rochester.

A retrospective, After Hours

It is After Hours’ soloists that really make the EP, with voices from graduates I haven’t heard in years.

What’s the Buzz? Bross speaks on Bee Campus certification

Becoming Bee Campus certified gives the University more points on the STARS program, which assigns ratings to campuses for their sustainable efforts.

SDS protests field student support, concerns about administration

Last week, as the University ran its annual housing lottery for the upcoming year, SDS continued their protest on housing…