Aries (March 21-April 19) – This week all your dreams will come true! Unfortunately, so will your worst nightmares.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – After three lonely weekends, you will realize the Axe advertisements are obvious dramatizations.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – After listening to the radio you will do some serious soul-searching and ask, do my chains hang low?
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – You can’t drown your sorrows in alcohol, you have to suffocate them with lapdances.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Now that September is over, it’s time to end the ‘New school-year, New you’ attitude. You’re not fooling anyone.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – During a transatlantic flight, you will suddenly become fed up with the amount of snakes on the plane.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – As you call MERT, you can’t help but chuckle at the irony of how your date was going to “slip” into something more comfortable in the bathroom.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You wouldn’t have been so upset when your girlfriend left you for your professor if you had at least passed the class.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Every cloud has a silver lining! The problems you encounter this week will be the exception to this rule.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Wear a clown costume to your next mid-term. It will distract the rest of the class and really boost the curve!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – When your friends’ twin sisters visit next weekend, you will be the rock that kills two birds! Unfortunately, neither one is a swallow.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – As you bend down to tie your shoe, you will think back to when you first tied a knot. Wasn’t that a great time? You probably weren’t in Rochester.