Aries (March 21-April 19) – Open your eyes and see the light. But don’t look at the sun because it will burn your eyes. Oh, and I’m not talking about that creepy light, a cool light, perhaps a black light. Is that a stain?
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – With the end in sight, lots of great things are going to happen. Grab your things, I’ve come to take you home.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – For just five cents a day you too can have powerful, tin can crushing abs. Or for just common sense a day, you can do sit ups.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Birds flying high, you know how I feel. The sun and the sky, you know how I feel. I’m supposed to know how you feel and then, make you feel better. Well my little grasshopper, the sun and the sky, I know how you feel. Here, have a crisp apple.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) -Ink, metal, flowers, plastic, wire, folder, book, stapler, tape, table, carpet, toner, empty tissue box. Guess where I am. Seriously, c’mon, guess.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Big Steve, Little Steve. Who cares? Let’s call the whole thing off and dance like we’re Molly Ringwald in some sweet sixteen movie where everyone in the school is a professional dancer. At least you and you’re kick ass date are anyway, and who gives a flying toaster about anyone else.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Who’s my little chick pea? Yes you are! I’m going to make hummus with you. Turned on? Not sure if you should be.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – What’s the name of that song? You know, it goes like -. And the words are something like -. Stop being that kid.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Jimmy cracks corn and I don’t care. Jimmy sells crack and everyone cares. Jimmy, stick to cracking corn.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Fluffy little kittens and plush floating clouds. What can kittens and clouds do in a dream that’s bad? Play with each other in a really cute way and make you smile? If you keep finding bad in everything you’ll forget what good is.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – If something is a pocketbook sized book, is it actually a pocket-sized book? If pocketbooks vary in size and pockets presumably do not, then what size is pocketbook sized? Discuss that at your walking in circles meeting this week.Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Roxanne, you don’t have to turn on your red light.
(If you actually believe this then you believe that Madonna is actually young enough to still have a third child.)
