Aries (March 21-April 19) – Open your eyes and see the light. But don’t look at the sun because it will burn your eyes. Oh, and I’m not talking about that creepy light, a cool light, perhaps a black light. Is that a stain?

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – With the end in sight, lots of great things are going to happen. Grab your things, I’ve come to take you home.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – For just five cents a day you too can have powerful, tin can crushing abs. Or for just common sense a day, you can do sit ups.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Birds flying high, you know how I feel. The sun and the sky, you know how I feel. I’m supposed to know how you feel and then, make you feel better. Well my little grasshopper, the sun and the sky, I know how you feel. Here, have a crisp apple.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) -Ink, metal, flowers, plastic, wire, folder, book, stapler, tape, table, carpet, toner, empty tissue box. Guess where I am. Seriously, c’mon, guess.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Big Steve, Little Steve. Who cares? Let’s call the whole thing off and dance like we’re Molly Ringwald in some sweet sixteen movie where everyone in the school is a professional dancer. At least you and you’re kick ass date are anyway, and who gives a flying toaster about anyone else.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Who’s my little chick pea? Yes you are! I’m going to make hummus with you. Turned on? Not sure if you should be.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – What’s the name of that song? You know, it goes like -. And the words are something like -. Stop being that kid.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Jimmy cracks corn and I don’t care. Jimmy sells crack and everyone cares. Jimmy, stick to cracking corn.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Fluffy little kittens and plush floating clouds. What can kittens and clouds do in a dream that’s bad? Play with each other in a really cute way and make you smile? If you keep finding bad in everything you’ll forget what good is.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – If something is a pocketbook sized book, is it actually a pocket-sized book? If pocketbooks vary in size and pockets presumably do not, then what size is pocketbook sized? Discuss that at your walking in circles meeting this week.Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Roxanne, you don’t have to turn on your red light.

(If you actually believe this then you believe that Madonna is actually young enough to still have a third child.)

The lost opportunities for military dependents at UR

I am a military dependent: a child of an active duty or retired military member. If that’s not identity, then I don’t know what is.

LSU-Iowa matchup unexpectedly captivates Women’s Basketball

In lieu of the perennial powerhouses, Iowa and LSU made their first appearances in the national championship.

SDS protests field student support, concerns about administration

Last week, as the University ran its annual housing lottery for the upcoming year, SDS continued their protest on housing…