Aries (March 21-April 19) – When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Wise men say: Forgiveness is divine but never pay full price for late pizza.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – You know what, I am an FBI agent, all right? I’m not a performing monkey in heels.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – You look strong enough to rip the ears off a gundark!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) -My dear boy, if God had intended for us to walk, he wouldn’t have invented roller skates.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – You think that’s bad? I owe 100 grand to a fat-ass loan shark which I spent on a stripper named Molly Mounds.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Whatever it is, O’Connell, I’m not interested! Every time I hook up with you, I get shot! Last time I got shot in the arse! I’m still in mourning for my arse!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Your Honor, ladies and gentleman, I don’t think it’s very fair to call my clients frauds. Sure, the blackout was a big problem for everybody. I was trapped in an elevator for two hours and I had the whole time. But I don’t blame them, because one time, I turned into a dog and they helped me. Thank you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Voila: the ZF-1. It’s light. Handle’s adjustable for easy carrying; good for righties and lefties. Breaks down into four parts, undetectable by x-ray and ideal for quick, discreet interventions. A word on firepower. Three thousand round clip with bursts of three to 300. That’s not to mention the Replay button. And to finish the job, all the Zorg oldies but goodies. Rocket launcher. Arrow launcher, with exploding and poisonous gas heads. Very practical.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Imagine you’re a deer. You’re prancing around. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the clear water – BAM! A %^$#@^’ bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are lying on the ground in little bloody pieces. Now I ask you, do you give a *^#$ what kind of pants the son-of-a-bitch who shot you was wearing?!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Why don’t skeletons play music in church? Because they have no organs.