Aries (March 21-April 19) – Did midterm week get the better of you? Don’t feel so blue. At least spring is around the corner! You can’t possibly complain about blossoming flowers, crisp breezes and birds chirping. Stop complaining and enjoy what’s around you.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – This is going to be one of those weeks where something you’ve been hearing your whole life actually takes hold, and you become convinced deep within your gut. I just hope that you’re not drinking while your gut is grabbed. Ouch.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. Life is absurd. If it weren’t, it wouldn’t be worth living. Live loud, live proud, but also, live respectfully.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Garbage bags, fortune cookies, masking tape and seltzer. Now that’s what I call a Friday night. Way to step up your game.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Not confident that your body will be up to your spring break standards? Don’t worry, you’re not the only one. If everyone just relaxed a bit and tried to please themselves instead of everyone else, folks would be genuinely happier. Don’t confuse this message with being selfish.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Dance, smile, cheer and do whatever else you need to celebrate. You have reason to be happy – enjoy your party.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Wow, last week’s horoscope sucked. I’m keeping it simple this week – keeping your eyes open is important. Maybe that person you’ve been waiting for is right in front of you. Maybe you should just give the unordinary a shot. Maybe a change of pace would be healthy.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Time to start respecting people a little more. Not just outwardly, but inwardly. Instead of thinking everything is “shitty,” why not work on seeing the good in people? You will be more well liked, and you’ll even find yourself more pleasant to be around.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Ouch, flossing can be really painful. It can inflame the gums, even cause some minor bleeding. Think flossing is stupid to talk about in a horoscope? Why not think about how a little pain can produce some solid results? Flossing isn’t so stupid anymore, is it?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – You are responsible for the effort, not the outcome.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Frame it, dip it in gold and stick it on a mantle. Don’t know what “it” is? Maybe you can get it on eBay.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – It’s going to be a good week for you. Plain and simple!
(If you actually believe this, then you really believe that the gay cowboys didn’t cry after the oscars.)
Lax can be reached at jlax@campustimes.org
