With Valentine’s Day around the corner, I feel it necessary to prove to my readership that I am far sweeter than your average guy. First off there’s my decency – when I get a wrap at the Pit and they charge me for a six-inch sub, I take the extra dollar and put it in my suite’s weekly beer fund.

Also, I’m still really innocent – every night before bed I read my “What’s Happening to My Body Book for Boys.”

Finally, I’m really sensitive – this past week I watched a two hour marathon of “Beauty and the Geek” with my girlfriend. Editor’s Note – Andrew actually watched 4 hours of “Beauty and the Geek” by himself in his room on Friday between the hours of 12 a.m. and 4 a.m.

By now you may be questioning my romantic side, but remember, the words “romantic” and “impractical” are synonyms and, well, they should be. For example, it would be romantic and sweet to make sure that your boy/girlfriend is comfortable sleeping in your single bed – when I say single bed, I mean a bed that is big enough for a single midget.

Therefore, it is highly impractical, however, to sleep in such quarters. You must do so by putting only one of your cheeks on the bed and balancing the other on the rim of your trash can. What seems even more practical is throwing a couple of elbows and knees the way of your sleeping companion to let them know that they are on your turf and that you play dirty. You might get a retaliatory knee to the balls at 3 a.m., but with a daily dose of Taco Bell taken 30 minutes before bed, you will always have the upper hand. Then, of course, there’s the issue of condoms. Whether you love them or hate them, chances are you’ve used them before and you’ll probably use them again. However, when I found out that University Health Services provides a weekly bowl of free condoms, it seemed as though I was in luck.

The idea of a free condom bowl is conceptually a great idea, but, from my personal experiences with it, I’ve found otherwise. Since the condoms are often put out in the morning, it is no surprise that in order to ensure the highest quality condoms, punctuality is a necessity. I reasoned that by getting to UHS when it first opened, I would be able to avoid the “condom rush.” My logic was that any person who was neurotic and paranoid enough to get condoms first thing in the morning wouldn’t be having sex. How did I come to this conclusion, you ask? At the time, I wasn’t having any sex. Editor’s note – Andrew still isn’t having any sex.

The first day I went to the condom bowl was a Friday, and my God, that was a mistake. The only condoms left in the bowl were questionable to say the least. After digging through the unlubricated condoms I came across some no-name brands that package their condoms like salt packets. Ultimately, I passed on the condom bowl that day and took from the adjacent lollypop bowl. I reasoned that if I came first thing Monday morning, I’d be able to find condoms that fit my three baseline qualifications necessary for a usable condom – brand name, lubricated and not packaged like a salt packet.

I returned to UHS on Monday with an unwavering resolve. The plan was simple – get the condoms, then get to class. Things didn’t go as planned.

I was the first person to the condom bowl that morning and was pleasantly surprised to find the higher quality Trojan and Durex condoms in as great abundance as the questionable Lifestyle condoms.

I was shocked by the breadth of it and so mesmerized with the decision making process of the condoms that I missed seeing the UHS lobby fill up with sick students. I also missed seeing a girl walk into UHS, who I hooked up with freshman year and had subsequently avoided ever since. Like myself, she was there for condoms, but on that Monday morning she got so much more than she bargained for. Feeling a bit saucy she picked a condom out of the bowl and tossing it toward me said, “This one’s for her pleasure and trust me, you can use all the help you can get.” Feeling somewhat coy myself, I fired back with “When it comes to pleasure, I help myself.” Unfortunately, she didn’t take the comment in the humorous manner as I had intended it and she suddenly snapped her head up and said rather loudly “You’re an ass, Andrew.”

I hurriedly reached into the condom bowl and after securing a handful of condoms, got the hell out of there. Moral of the story – Trojan Man doesn’t always come to the rescue.

Schwartz can be reached at


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