Aries (March 21-April 19) – Ring around the rosy, pockets full of posy, ashes ashes we all fall down. If you’re picking flowers, which sounds like fun, why do you disintegrate into a pile of ashes? Be weary of children’s songs as their subliminal messages could gamma ray your ass.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You are the luckiest person in the world. Don’t ever forget that.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – A woman is coming and she wants spaghetti? Do I have to make it? Look out, the roof is on fire.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Mooooooooooooooooooooooooose. Would you like to go on a moose hunt? Well, if you don’t, you should. Moose coats are in season this month.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Flower plus Face plus Toes plus Keys equals FlowerFaceToesKeys. Divide by Spring and you end up with a great term with great fun and great friends. Enjoy this place, it enjoys you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Do you like Polaroid Cameras? They are magic, pure magic.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – You are the luckiest person in the world. Oh wait, this one was already used. Sorry, you are now the second luckiest person in the world.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Shave your head, your haircut looks stupid. It’s for your own good, as well as everyone who has to look at you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – They say that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. I wonder if, when a doctor eats an apple, the doctor tried running away from themselves and hit a screen door, blacking out and waking up no longer a doctor. That would be crazy.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Two, no six, no twelve, baker’s dozen! This week will rock for you and your cousin. Don’t let me spit rhymes, I just can’t invent, the type of flows that make sense. Cheer up, it’s all good.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – What is a pretzel without salt? What’s a pancake without syrup? What is peanut butter without jelly? What is life without love? What is water without oxygen? Sucky. Remember that everything has a complement – you’ll find yours.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Time to turn on the after burners. Your mind may feel tired or used, but these are feelings that can only motivate you further. Control how you react and you’ll be a winner. Either do that, or cheat.

(If you actually believe this, then you really believe that Madonna thinks she is more stubborn than a terrorist.)



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