Aries (March 21-April 19) – Bad boys, bad boys, what cha gonna do, what cha gonna do when they come for you? Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? What cha gonna do when they come for you? Nobody whomp cat bon gone sickayyyyyyyy – You don’t always need to know everything to be as cool as I am. Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Quit hoarding all the peanuts. You’ve gotta share them. Are you a squirrel or something? No, you’re a human – unless squirrels can read. In which case, why are your tails so fuzzy?

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – What goes up, must come down. Unless you’re in space. So, this horoscope is not valid in space.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to want a glass of milk. Unless it’s a she-mouse, then she’s going to want some explanations from the he-mouse because all he wants is milk. She’ll leave him for Stuart Little – he’s got a car, a career and has interests in her, not just milk.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – We must protect this house. Keep your thoughts together and your goals in a basket. There’s no room for eggs, just goals. What does that mean? Better make room for one more goal. Find out what this horoscope means.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Be a sport and have a goal. Goals are really important in life – set them and conquer them. A good one for you this week is not to get hit in the head with a brick.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Half a dozen is half a dozen, unless it’s a baker’s dozen. Then you have to add a half of one to any one half of the first dozen. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – I’m not wearing any pants for this horoscope. I know you can barely keep yours on. Don’t fight it. It’s natural.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Stop sniffing the pretty smelling markers. I know they smell pretty, but you’re drawing all over your nose, and that looks stupid.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – If you turn a clock over, it’s six and one half hours later – or earlier. If you turn a turtle over, it’s still a turtle. Turn things over this week. Shake things up.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Be sure to wear a bandana wherever you go. You never know when a group of cowboys will be outrunning a dust storm and you’ll need to cover up.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – I can open the jar – give it here.

(If you actually believe this, then you really do think that Alex Rodriguez deserves to be MVP.)

Lax can be reached at

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