Aries (March 21-April 19) – If you find a four-leaf clover, dry it, press it and turn it into a necklace. Do this because the week after is going to suck, and you’re going to want that luck with you.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – So what! So what? So what. Do what you’re told and listen to others – you’re not always right. Give someone else a chance to be wrong. Easy on the ego buster.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Red oranges yell graciously before imminent vultures. Roy G. Biv pretty much has all the answers you’ll need. Look to the sky when it’s raining and sunny – there is a pot of gold somewhere.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Have goals. Goals are really important in life – set them and conquer them. A goal for you this week is not to get hit in the head with a brick.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – I can tell you like all kinds of bears – koala, polar, panda, brown, black, what have you. Penguins are not bears, but they are cool too, just like you. Sit back and enjoy the scenery.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – You need a new hobby to spice up your life. Try collecting butterflies or writing plays. Write a play about collecting butterflies. When are the auditions? I want to be the butterfly.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – You’ve got a good foundation, kid. Your trusses need a little work though. Fix yourself up from deep within. Not a building? Have a cup of tea – I like Raspberry Zinger.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Don’t be mad – there’s no need for it. It requires more muscles in your face to frown than it does to smile. Turn that frown upside-down because you’re a winner! Also, wash your feet.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Think your teacher is overweight? Tell your teacher you’re in love with her and that she’s going to need an animal tranquilizer and those pet detectives on television to pry your claws out of her back. Watch your teacher run a few miles every time she sees you – the pounds just come dripping off.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Wear headphones and sing to the music in them. The trick – don’t connect an iPod to them.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Roses are red, violets are blue, I like to – wait a second. Aren’t violets violet? Isn’t that why they’re called violets? Bluelets are blue and violets are violet. Beat up a florist this week.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Here, fishy, fishy. Come eat your food, fishy, fishy. Don’t eat everything on your plate – that’s how fish explode, fishy, fishy.
(If you actually believe this, then you really thought Katie Holmes wouldn’t be pregnant before she married Tom Cruise.)
