You have two tests, a paper and a summer internship application all due next week, but the hell with it because it’s Friday!

Seeing as you pulled an allnighter the past week studying for a test – which you will soon find out you failed – you have decided to “reward” yourself by taking the day off.

The problem is that the allnighter you pulled was on Monday and you subsequently took Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday off as well. But rather than acknowledging the troublesome trend, you repress it with alcohol, or if you are under 21, with alcohol.

So, despite that inordinate amount of work you have due the upcoming week, you go out Friday night, but you feel good about it because you wrote out your schedule for Saturday on a PostIt note.

But allow me to digress for a few moments as I discuss the fallacy in thinking that you will ever be able to live up to the expectations of the posted note. I still have mine from last Saturday.

10 a.m. – wake up.

An interesting point here. I always make sure to put “wake up” on that PostIt note because no matter what will happen in the day, there will always be at least one thing to cross off of it.

10 to 10:30 a.m. – lie in bed, shower.

10:30 to 10:45 a.m. – get dressed, check e-mail.

10:45 to 11 a.m. – go to library.

11 a.m. to 1 p.m. – genetics studying.

1 to 1:30 p.m. – lunch.

1:30 to 4 p.m. – genetics studying.

4 to 6 p.m. – “Dante’s Divine Comedy” class homework.

6 to 7 p.m. – bath, dinner, shower.

So, the bath thing is probably throwing you, and here’s the scoop – bath is my code name for masturbate. I do this so that if someone ever looked at my day’s schedule, they wouldn’t see the word “masturbation,” as many as three times.

I know the question you must be asking yourself – why is it necessary for me to put masturbation on my schedule?

8 to 10:30 p.m. – Read detective fiction short stories and do genetics.

Now in theory, this is a pretty successful day. Cumulatively, I would have accomplished nine hours of studying.

Unfortunately, since I ran out of Ritalin and the selling price of Aderol would cut into my food money, I was not able to accomplish my “goals” for the day. Instead, here’s what really happened.

10 a.m. – didn’t wake up.

10 to 10:30 a.m. – dreamt I was a writer for the show “Arrested Development.” In my dream, I was a woman.

10:30 to 10:45 a.m. – took a piss.

10:45 to 11 a.m. – fell asleep on the toilet.

11 a.m. to 1 p.m. – eventually woke up, walked back to my room and went back to sleep.

1 to 1:30 p.m. – woke up in a hungry stupor with the use of my head and only one arm, managed to open a package of Pop-Tarts and eat them both, all without moving the rest of my body.

1:30 to 4 p.m. – went back to sleep.

4 p.m. – woke up.

4 to 5 p.m. – acclimated my eyes to the light by watching the three episodes from the third season of Arrested Development.

5 to 5:15 p.m. – lamented over the fact that I had run out of unseen episodes of “Arrested Development” and fantasized about creating my own sitcom.

5:15 to 5:30 p.m. – despite a painfully full bladder, found myself unable to leave my bed.

5:30 to 6:15 p.m. – fell back asleep.

6:15 to 7 p.m. – woke up and upon looking at my schedule, felt overcome with guilt for squandering the first nine hours of the day. Consequently, I resolved to not go out in order to make up for lost time.

7 to 8 p.m. – showered, bath, cleaned my room slightly, put on clothes.

8 to 9 p.m. — while checking my e-mail – preceding my intended journey to the library – was asked if I wanted to go get dinner with my suitemates and agreed.

9 to 11 p.m. – “studied” genetics in the library. I accomplished about one hour of studying, the other hour was spent trying to find out when the next episode of “Arrested Development” would be on the air and bidding for a shirt on eBay.

12 to 2 a.m. – Went to a fraternity “hall party” in phase and, seeking attention, stripped off my clothes while screaming “shower party.”

I then jumped into a bathroom shower and danced to “Dip It Low” hoping that I would be joined in my endeavor.

After dancing alone in the shower to “Bohemian Rhapsody,” I was kicked out of the hall party for “creeping out all the freshman girls” – obviously they were just jealous.

2 to 3 a.m. – bath – whiskey dick.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for making schedules. The idea of allocating your time to perform necessary tasks is fundamental.

At the same time, we cannot be expected to live predetermined lives whose superfluous structure induces a constant state of monotony.

So, make a schedule, but don’t let the highlight of your day be crossing off the “to do’s” from your to do list. You are a college student, so leave yourself some room for being in college along with your requirements of being a student. Most importantly, find an internal source of motivation because I promise you this – when the motivation of accomplishing something is based solely on a piece of paper with writing on it, your day will look like mine did last Saturday.

schwartz can be reached at

Schwartz can be reached at

Colin’s Review Rundown: Future and Metro Boomin, Lizzy McAlpine, Benson Boone, Civerous

Is it bad? Definitely not! But I found myself continually checking my phone to see how many tracks were left.

The Clothesline Project gives a voice to the unheard

The Clothesline Project was started in 1990 when founder Carol Chichetto hung a clothesline with 31 shirts designed by survivors of domestic abuse, rape, and childhood sexual assault.

Live updates: Wallis Hall sit-ins

Editor’s Note (5/4/24): This article is no longer being updated. For our most up to date coverage, look for articles…