I am so embarrassed! Last week, I was masturbating on my couch and was caught! I didn’t think my housemates would be home – they were all working. One of them came home early and there I was. She didn’t say anything, just stared at the dog, who kept attacking the towel I had used to clean up my mess! While he kept barking, she just walked upstairs and hasn’t said anything since. What should I do?


Dear White-handed,

I can certainly advise what not to do. Lauds for the courageous public display, but best to keep it to yourself – and your room – for future shows. Besides, cum coasters are so last season and your housemate may not be in love with redecorating.

If she hasn’t mentioned the oh-so-awkward encounter, it may be best to leave the confrontation to written form. Making a verbal pow-wow over your hand-job might become massively anti-climactic. If your housemate didn’t say anything in your first encounter, then a note under her door will suffice.

Everyone gets caught, and to be punished for a little primal urge satisfaction was gone with the days of PeeWee.

There shouldn’t be a drawn out treatise on the offing zones of the house, but an easy in and out ordeal. Just slip it in and all should be better.

So write a quickie, or a summary, and let her know how important the common space in your house is to you and that you didn’t mean to soil it with your seed.

Emphasize it was a one-time event, don’t admit to those affairs on the kitchen counter and play up your sincere promise to never pleasure yourself or anyone else – in common areas.

Emphasize your repentance. Think Catholic school boy caught peeping in the girls’ bathroom. You are saving yourself from hell, or rather a year of it by writing a little note.

Don’t forget, it’s not the worst thing you could do. Former President Clinton ran a country while being orally pleasured.

It might take her a little bit to get over the visuals and start sitting on the couch again, or the floor, or wherever you shook your monkey.

It won’t be long before your white-handed movie will be in the buy one, get one at Blockbuster.

In a couple weeks, you both will laugh over the silliness of this debacle. In the mean time, allow a little petty banter.

It’s her way of working through the embarrassment.

If jokes or silence continue on into the semester, it’s time to inform her that your willy joys were a one-time event – in the living room – and it’s time to let it go.

In the future, White-handed, go to your room and put the dog outside. No one likes homme-scented pooch.

Got a love and relationship question that’s literally, ummm … burning? Ask the Love Goddess Robyn Tanner, at ctfeats@hotmail.com.

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