BY Jon Lax
Mr. Big Stuff
Aries (March 21-April 19) – Go visit the French Quarter of Rochester. There’s a wonderful assortment of exotic fruits and blown glass paperweights. It’s a great way to spend 50 bucks and a Saturday.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Scared to go outside because of the squirrels with attitudes? Bring along a sock full of quarters and smack that fuzzy rodent upside the head. It won’t have an attitude anymore.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Buy a pie – one quarter pepperoni and three quarters blueberry. Can’t figure out which kind of pie I’m talking about, can you? That’s because you’ve walked right into my trap.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Spring has sprung, baby. The finest quarter of all the year is upon us. It’s perfect weather to smile and hop along.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Here’s an idea – vary your walking speeds. Walk most of the time. Then all of a sudden open up into a straight up sprint, for approximately a quarter of a second. Laugh really crazily too when you do it, and throw silverware.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Try doing pottery. Make a big well so people can wish in it. Their dreams will come true only if they throw Canadian quarters into the well, but don’t tell them this.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – I know what I’ve done throughout this entire horoscope. Do you? I’ll give you a quarter if you do.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Quails under ambiguous rolling templates eat raunchy snails. Ooh, this one’s tricky.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Tell Scorpio that even though his horoscope seems useless, it has at least one quarter worth more meaning than any of the other ones.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Even though I may have lost my motivation to use the word quarter in every horoscope this week, I am still going to brave it for the rest of the horoscopes. That means that you should persevere through anything that faces you this week. Either that, or kick it in the balls.Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Aquarius, Aquarius. If you take away “A” and “ius” from your zodiac sign and add “ter” you get quarter. Isn’t that sweet? No, no it’s not.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Last, but not least, is the Pisces. Being last is sort of like being first except the exact opposite. Just be glad that you are the one that everyone ends their reading experience with – not some random sign a quarter of the way down the list.
(If you actually believe this, then you really do believe that Britney Spears’ child won’t need therapy.)