Road Trippn'

I would like nothing more than to pack my bags, catch a cab to the airport and fly to a golden beach near the equator for a week of sun and five gallon margaritas. However, I’m broke. So, as I once again prepare for my return to Hartford, Conn. – average temperature this time of the year – 28 degrees – I’ve drawn up my poor man’s spring break road trip/scavenger hunt itinerary. Those who want to play along will need a car, gas money, an ample supply of Drake’s Cakes, coffee, Slim Jims and a navigator/co-pilot/CD player. The rules are simple – earn the most points by completing the following tasks and you win a halfway-decent spring break.*10 points – Every night you sleep in the car. Five bonus points if it’s a compact car.*20 points – For every bottle peed in, la “Dumb and Dumber.” Infinite bonus points if a cop drinks it.*5 points – For every rainstorm driven through.*10 points – For every snowstorm.*20 points – Have a picnic at a beach on Cape Cod/Long Island Sound/Lake Ontario. 10 bonus points if you go swimming. 15 bonus points if you skinny dip.*40 points – Drive across a frozen lake. Minus 75 points if your car falls through the ice.*15 points – Stage a two-person re-enactment of the Revolutionary War at Saratoga.*30 points – Eat a meal at every rest stop on I-90 between Ohio and Massachusetts.*10 points – Pull your co-pilot on a sled through a parking lot.*15 points – Pull him on a public road.*50 points – Pull him to the rest stops on I-90.*15 points – Ride as many complete city bus routes as you can in one day.*30 points – Build a snow plow out of plywood and duct tape, attach it to your car and drive all the snow-shoveling middle schoolers out of business.*20 points – Go into a car dealership and try to trade your car for the most expensive model straight up. 15 bonus points if you car is from the 1980s.*25 points – Visit all five New England state capitals in a day. 20 bonus points for trying to trade your car for Montpelier, straight up. 15 bonus points if the deal goes through.*And finally, 200 points – For just sticking it out on campus.