Aries (March 21-April 19) – Open up a gym in an alley somewhere. You’ll need an old punching bag with duct tape all over it, a lot of weights and no bars. Now, go find a whole lot of nuns.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – The place is heating up a little bit – making you feel warmer inside. This should make you want to moonwalk to class.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Still feeling the sludge in your tummy from the Super Bowl party? Do five pushups and roll around in the snow. Repeat this cycle a million times. Cancer (June 22-July 22) – To keep your cereal fresh, refold the inner bag after each use and close package flaps. There’s more from where that came from in the Corner Store.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – How come they don’t make Oreos with the frosting on the outside and the cookie on the inside? It wouldn’t be that messy, and I think it would taste better. Too bad your horoscope is only a bad question.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – In case you were wondering, hot tubs on campus are not encouraged by the administration. Give an administrator a hug this week – they are really nice and understanding.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Sad about the Patriots winning this year? The Giants are going to win the Super Bowl next year – I promise.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Develop a grudge toward the movie “The Grudge,” starring “Buffy” Michelle Gellar. Avoid it at all costs.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Hopefully, by now, you have finally put your clothes on. That is a good thing for you and your fight against pneumonia. Reading the horoscopes naked is kind of fun though, I must admit. I mean – it could be fun, if you have tried it.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – I want to apologize for telling you to make an omelet with saline solution. Don’t do it. Instead, write my paper for me.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Let’s go. If you want it, you can get it – just let me know. Actually, don’t tell me – I don’t care. Tell your neighbor or someone else. Then, eat a fist full of bar nuts.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Better start planning your spring break. Unfortunately, your current plans might head south without you. You’re going to need a back up. Spurrier gym could be nice with heat lamps and an inflatable kiddy pool.
(If you actually believe this, then you will spend your valentine’s day humping your bed.)