OK, kids, did we all have a blast on our fall break? Yeah, nothing like a single day to provide you with that much- needed relaxation after midterms. My friends and I decided to make the best of the time we had and planned a trip to Seneca for a little gambling. We decided to go to the American casino based on the rumor that they have free drinks. Before I go any further into this adventure, let me assure the alcoholics that you do in fact get free drinks, provided you are a high roller and cannot get knocked out in a matter of minutes. Yeah, you can see where this is going. When we arrived at the casino, the first things we noticed were the two large churches surrounding the building. The fact that I may need to seek redemption for my soul after entering this place just didn’t make me feel comfortable. Upon entering the casino, I was carded not once or twice, but three times! After the painful examination of my legitimate ID, I headed to the blackjack table. I’m not an expert on gambling and I am by no means a big gambler. In fact, the little Jew in me generally prevents the spending of money without a 100 percent return rate, but I thought I had pretty good odds at blackjack. There just doesn’t seem to be that much to the game, unlike the craziness of craps. I just like to throw the dice – you just look so badass when you do it. My friend Nate claims that there is an art to picking the right table. His method boils down to looking for the oldest, ugliest foreign dealer you can find. I prefer my method, which involves looking for the hottest girl with an empty seat next to her, but to each his own. Well, I found my woman and plopped myself down next to her and proceeded to lose my money at a truly alarming rate. In a matter of minutes, I was down 60 bucks. Then, suddenly, it was 100, then 200. The dizzying highs, the terrifying lows – God, what a rush! My only consolation was the fact that the pretty woman I had banked everything on was also losing all her money. Yeah, I know I am a great human being. After she lost, she sat alone by a slot machine, aimlessly pulling the lever. Remembering an adage from “Swingers” that you should never leave Vegas empty handed, I walked up to her and started a conversation. Fast-forward 30 minutes and a couple of drinks later, and we have established “Michele” is 23, single, lives on a farm and works six days a week. God, how I detest small talk! It is a total waste of time. I did what every 22-year-old man would do in my place – called my mother. Having quickly begged my mother for another $200, she interrupted me to ask if I wanted a money order. Then, she proceeded to tell me that I should give my money to my friends, as I was clearly a jinx. Who has the problem now, Mom? Anyways, I ended the night only minus $140, and my friend Dan promised to buy me dinner so it wasn’t a total loss. On the way back we stopped at “Mighty Taco.” For some reason, everyone in Buffalo is obsessed with this restaurant, which, by the way, doesn’t hold a candle to the holy grail of fast food, “Taco Bell.” Besides, even if the place lived up to the hype, when a taco stand is your landmark, your city has some problems. On the way out of the place, we saw a busload of high school students dressed in formal wear, walking in. Once again, upstate New York, your endless capacity to produce white trash never ceases to amaze me.Kutcher can be reached at email@example.com.
When it starts to smell like home
Yet, in random moments, when a smell catches me off guard with the memories it brings, I like to believe the things I feel then are things people feel when they are home.
Tales from Middle School: Gay panic at the mambo
She was gorgeous. She had short black hair, a short black dress, and was way out of my league. And what she did next baffles me to this day.
An interview with ChatGPT
ChatGPT will never consider itself an “evil AI that will conquer the human race.” But, it will consider roleplay.