Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Do your homework. Drop it like it’s hot. Eat your vegetables. Drop it like it’s hot. Do onto others as you would like to have others do onto you. Drop it like it’s hot.
Aries (March 21-April 19) – Make sure that every time you go outside this week you remember to put shoes on your feet. It’s not very clean and you’re only disrespecting yourself. If you don’t, I’m going to sprinkle glass shards outside your door.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Go out and find Nemo. Seriously, he wants to see his dad because he needs money for a beer run.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Try and drink the “POWERade Rainbow.” ROYGBIV in the POWERaade flavors – Fruit Punch, Orange, etc. Yo, POWERade, where my royalty check at?
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – You will be the most productive member of society this week. You will finish all of your homework for the next 72 years. You will also steal your upcoming midterm and finish it before even taking it. Well done.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Since Halloween and Election Day have now passed, there is no longer a use for you, you big chicken-suit-wearing anchor person.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Your body is about 66 percent water. At the end of the week you will only be 45 percent water from crying so much. Sorry, I guess that this week is simply going to suck.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – Go out and buy a shop vac. Your friends are going to spill everything everywhere. You can use the shop vac to suck up your friends.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Try and think up some really mean insults so that when your cab driver insults you, you can fire back. Make sure you leave the car before letting them fly, otherwise he will kidnap you. Just kidding, but made you look!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Stock up on the following – Chapstick, pocket mirrors, wood glue and those little paper binder reinforcers that you put on loose leaf holes. Cover the pocket mirrors with the reinforcers. Then use the wood glue to make little tiers of the mirrors with chapsticks for support. You won first prize at the science fair!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Buy someone that you don’t know some flowers. They will really appreciate it. It is a nice thing to do.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – It’s the time of year to buy something that you don’t need at all. I recommend a Sea Doo. Invite me over because it was really my idea.
(If you actually believe this, then you probably had a really bad halloween costume and nobody knew what you were supposed to be.)