Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Love is in the air for you. It feels like spring even though it’s definitely not. Regardless, you will enjoy the wonderful weather and company of others every day this week.
Aries (March 21-April 19) – This year will bring great reward, but not without great struggle – unless you’re the kid who sits in the front row in every class and answers every question and ruins the curve and makes love to the professor and – don’t be bitter.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Stay away from Danforth. Even if you have to eat the grass from the Residential Quad, you’ll at least be getting your daily intake of fiber.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Make sure you lay out all your pens and pencils before class each morning. I saw something about a kid with lots of pens and pencils winning the lottery in my crystal ball. Thought you’d like the heads up.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Try new things this year. Make a new friend, learn how to knit, whatever. The value of highly marketable skills like friendship and knitting can really open doors for people.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Do more things naked. You shouldn’t be ashamed of your body – it is a beautiful thing. Doing things naked in public is even better.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – If you encounter troubled waters, friends and family can often send you a bigger boat. But if you encounter Jaws, just punch him in the nose and sing him country western songs. He’s a big softy once you get to know him.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – Try getting a pet to comfort you for when the winter season arrives. But not a furby – there’s some defect where they choke people when they’re sleeping.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Not once will you get locked out of your room. Because if you do, this year UR Security isn’t coming to bail you out. Wait, did they ever? No! Oh yeah, cheap shot to Security.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) – Invest in a Mr. Potato Head – they are fun to play with. Also, what’s not cool about being able to keep all your facial features in your butt?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Save the whales. Seriously, all of them. Go!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You have to remember to take your multivitamin. One day this week you are going to need 1471 percent of your daily recommended riboflavin in order to properly explain the benefits of riboflavin to your biology class.
(If you actually believe this, you’re one of the 36 people living in a triple in Hoeing.)
