Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Another year older, another year closer to death. Time to take stock of your often tumultuous life. Send e-cards or flowers to all those you love, especially that new special someone in your life. Never know when you’re going to croak.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Go visit your neighbor. It will make you feel better and you might just get that book you’ve been wanting to read.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Take a note from the reggae community and don’t worry, just be happy. Trust the special person in your life and you’ll be rewarded with a synergistic experience.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – The magic eight ball reveals a cemetery in your future. Either you’ll be dead in a week, or just take a trip to Mt.Hope for All Soul’s Eve – it is all up to you.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Slow down and take some time to appreciate art work. Campus is full of beautiful ammenities. Just don’t be a bastard – leave it on the walls.
Aries (March 21-April 19) – Run on over to your coffee shop of choice and get a large cup of joe to go. You’ll need it with all of that work you neglected while you were getting it on last weekend. Go you!
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Bend over and get ready to receive. That’s right, life is about to get you from behind. Whether it be your significant other or your professor, someone is about to screw you.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Carpe Diem! Go grab those fish by the tail and make sure to get your feet wet. You think it doesn’t make sense? Deal.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – You got it going on. All you need to do is learn how to work it. Take some pride in your beautiful bod and make that move on the guy in class. You know he likes your style.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – California is on fire and so is your soul. Take a shower and you’ll feel better.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Sweetness is your thing and your friends love it. Continue in your saccharine ways.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Eating the special sauce at Danforth is not a healthy option. Simply put, don’t eat ARAMARK and you’ll live ten years longer.
(If you actually believe this, you probably have a metal plate in your head affected by the magnetic variations caused by sun spots. This is not to be taken seriously.)