Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Try and be a little sentimental for once. It might be good for you. Even let your friends decide what you will be doing as a group for a while.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – You can be a bitch and usually even get away with it. You should probably reign it in this week though, because it won’t further your cause.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Moving isn’t in your near future, so don’t bother investigating things that might lead you astray.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Things are getting done and your work is finally being recognized. If you stay on track all of this will lead to a great reward and some amazing sex. Make sure to bring the lube.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Cold Fish. Thats what your friends call you and its why your love life blows. Try and be less of an ass to people and maybe someone will be willing to spend a little time with you. Or maybe I’m just making all this up.
Aries (March 21-April 19) – All right twinkletoes, stop being so indecisive and make some decisions. If you’re not happy with your life now, then make some changes.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – You rock and everyone knows it. Those who pretend they don’t should be summarily backhanded and shoved aside. Don’t let anyone get in the way of your world domination.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Don’t be afraid of the coochie. Its your friend, even if it is a Kylie Minogue track. If it takes the form of a woman, then you should be very nice to it and buy it some flowers.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – You are an evil snot. Don’t lie to yourself, everyone thinks you’re an [insert noun here]. Try buying some people dinner and maybe money will make you some friends.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Jezabel. Yeah. That’s right. I called you Jezabel and you can’t do anything about it. Perhaps if you were less of a temptress of desire I’d call you something more polite.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – You on the other hand are a wonderful person. Everyone likes you more than Wonderbread. Just keep doing what you always do and the world will be a nicer place.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – As a golden oldie you’ll be cool. Unfortunately, right now you’re just a creepy old man 40 years early. Keep it in your pants, freak. Just Kidding! I can’t say anything bad about you. Just wait until next week. Muahahaha!
(If you actually believe this, You probably liked President Jackson’s photo exhibit. This is not to be taken seriously.)
