What sucks?

Some may say my Hoover 900 or Super Maid in “Space Balls.” But truth of the matter is, sucks has found a new and improved definition – “Scary Movie 3.”

It is the third in a series of mildly humorous comedy roasts of scary movies. Directed by David Zucker, it may have just as well been directed by a peanut. Even more frequently than the other two “Scary Movies” combined, “Scary Movie 3” blatantly steals from other movie scenes more than the number of times Pamela Anderson has gotten breast augmentations.

The movie opens with Becca played by Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy, as Kate, discussing the video tape that kills you after you watch it – a la “The Ring.” Their discussion leads to a pillow fight of sorts resulting in gratuitous close-ups of their breasts. Had this been, say, the start of UR Cinema Group’s spring porn, I would be giving it much more credit. Unfortunately, this scene is the high point of the movie.

The rest of the movie follows the main character Cindy as she tries to combat the effects of the deadly video tape on all the people in her life. In between, she meets George played by Simon Rex, a simple farmhand with the courage of a duck and the mental capacity of a pine cone. The farm he works on is owned by Tom – Charlie Sheen. It is under attack by crop circles, otherwise known as the movie “Signs.”

George also has affinity for rap music and enters a rap contest – “8 Mile.” The purpose of this random scene was to provide the movie with more characters so as to confuse the audience even more. At the same time, the audience is introduced to George’s friends, who will later come to his rescue with a shovel.

Somehow the President of the United States – Leslie Nielsen – becomes involved and flies down to the farm to conduct one-on-one conversations with the aliens. As this is going on, Cindy is still searching for the cause of the evil, very bad tape of doom. On her quest, she becomes Neo and has a conversation with the Architect – “Matrix Reloaded.”

If it seems like there is no plot, that is because there isn’t one. The Wayans brothers threw together “The Ring,” “Matrix Reloaded,” “8 Mile,” “Signs,” and porn videos to create this movie. “Scary Movie 3” is like the video version of a Weird Al song – no original creativity but some minor tweaks that add a little bit

of humor, sometimes.

Now of course, I knew all this going into the movie. What I had expected was that the humor would be even funnier than the trailer. Boy was I wrong. I quickly discovered that the trailer had all the really funny parts and I could have saved myself $7.75 and 90 minutes by watching the trailer 30 times.

The funniest part of my evening came not from movie, but by the concession stand attendant who asked me if I wanted the popcorn soda combo special. When I asked him what that was, he shuffled his feet and gave me an embarrassed grin. “If you buy a large popcorn and a large soda you get $1 off the candy.”

Woo hoo.

But at least he was honest about the ripoff.

Scary Movie 3 however tries to hide this fact. Watches only if you believe the Campus Times’ Horoscopes.

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