While Jon Stewart eats his dinner, the Campus Times asks hard-hitting questions about superpowers, cartoon characters and EZ-Pass. Then we make him feel old.

CT: So I heard you drove up.

JS: Yes I did.

CT: How was your drive?

JS: Uh, it was a little soggy, until I cleared, uh, probably Binghamton.

CT: Do you have EZ-Pass?

JS: What, are you kidding me? Come on, you’ve got to have the EZ-Pass. I’m not going to sit in the line like a schmuck!

CT: Did you stop at the Thruway rest stops?

JS: I usually stop in Cortland. Because they have a nice, uh, fast food, I don’t want to say village – Wendy’s, McDonald’s, Taco Bell. . .Can I just say, here, the pickle chip? Kosher dill pickle chip? [holding up the pickle from his cheeseburger]

CT: Yeah?

JS: Fabulous.

CT: Excellent. So let’s get to the hard news now. I read your book, Naked Pictures of Famous People –

JS: Oh that was you?

CT: Yes. If you could take a naked picture of any famous person, who would it be?

JS: I did it, I have it on the book, on the cover.

CT: You did that? That’s a good picture.

JS: Thank you. That’s really Lincoln.

CT: Oh, I didn’t know who it was, because they blacked out the eyes.

JS: Yeah. No, it’s – [laughs] yeah, exactly. I took that when he was in college and he needed extra money. It’s a sordid story.

CT: I see. So anyway, if you could have a superpower, what would that be?

JS: What would it be?

CT: Yeah.

JS: How could you not go with flying? Can anybody not go with flying?

CT: Oh come on, what about invisibility?

JS: What fun is invisibility?

CT: You can do whatever you want. You’re invisible.

JS: I don’t know about invisibility. I mean flying – what if they catch you? They could throw the Cloak of Visibility over you, they could throw a sheet over you and suddenly you’re visible again, like, they got all kinds of shit these days for invisibleness. But flying? That’s a power.

CT: I guess you have a point there. So who would you want to have on your show, of the people we have here this weekend? We’ve got Hillary Clinton, Salman Rushdie, Fareed Zakaria, Ted Turner –

JS: I already had Fareed on.

CT: Oh. Well who is your favorite cartoon character?

JS: That’s a good question. Commander McBrag. From the old Commander McBrag Show. Do you remember Commander McBrag?

CT: No.

JS: Rocky and Bullwinkle. Commander McBrag used to say [in a silly voice] “Back in India! Did I ever tell you about the time I was stranded in the…” and then he had like a little sidekick guy who would go, “Yes, Commander.”

CT: What about Scrooge McDuck?

JS: McDuck I never cared for particularly. But Commander McBrag, Simon and Peabody, classics. Tennessee Tuxedo, Dudley, uh Dudley Dooright, and uh, Dick Dastardly? Muttly? Remember Muttly?

CT: No.

JS: Well, what are your cartoon characters? What do you guys have? [to Emily, the photographer] What year were you born?

CT: 1984.

JS: Oh, my god! Are you kidding me? You were born in 19 – I graduated college in 1984. Holy… I’m your father! [to Kelly] When were you born?

CT: 1983.

JS: It’s crazy! That’s wild.

CT: Oh wait, I’ve got another question.

JS: Wait, hold on a second, let me just do some math. [to Emily] 18?

CT: 18, yes.

JS: [to Kelly] 19.

CT: 19.

JS: Well I graduated in ’80, right? So…that’s crazy.

Smith can be reached at ksmith@campustimes.org.

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