BY TONY MANERO
Stayin’ Alive
University President Thomas “Michael” Jackson announced yesterday that work would begin on building a giant plexiglass dome over the River Campus as part of the Renaissance Plan.
The announcement came during a special closed-door executive session held last week, sources close to Jackson say.
“I’ve [been] tired – of [UR] students [complaining],” Jackson said before he determined that there were six more weeks of winter. “[Now] they – can [actually live in a bubble].”
Dean of The College William Green – whose dancing is reportedly “like sunshine on a rainy day” – is pleased with the plan. “I – I MEAN THE PLAN – IS GREAT!!!” Green declared. “THE NEXT STEP IS TO TAKE OVER THE NINETEETH WARD AND SOON ALL OF ROCHESTER WILL BE IN MY – I MEAN THE COLLEGE’S – CONTROL!!!!!!”
“WA HA HA!!!” Green added.
The dome will be airtight, which will completely eliminate crime on campus, according to Jackson. “[Crime] is [bad],” Jackson said.
Jackson also plans on eliminating all members of UR Security that fail to outdance Test My Best and Afronova Primal in Dance Dance Revolution. “I guess ol’ Wally’s going to have to find another day job,” Director of UR Security Walter Mauldin said. “At least nobody’s going to ask me about that damn cat anymore.”
The biodome – with an estimated cost of $840 million – will bring warmer temperatures to the River Campus. When there is less sunlight and temperatures begin to fall in October, however, students will be issued aerosol cans in order to help keep the UR community “somewhere [between] nice – and [toasty] and – piping [hot],” according to Jackson.
Critics of the plan cite problems of a limited air supply and complete isolation from the outside world.
“What is he up to?” Dean of Faculty and master of Boom Boom Dollar Thomas LeBlanc said. “Jacko is wacko.”
Students agree. “Wait, who is Jackson?” senior Todd Hildebrandt said. “I thought that Green just ran everything.”
Manero can be reached at w.green@rochester.edu.
