Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) — Your birthday is coming up! That means that you’ll get lots of presents and ice cream! Or maybe your birthday just happened. Then you have to wait another year for presents and ice cream.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) — The next time your alarm clock rings early in the morning, just throw it out the window. I’m serious. Even if you have to buy a new alarm clock, at least you’ll get to go back to sleep. And Pisces, you deserve it.
Aries (March 21-April 19) — Learn a new skill this week, like how to tie a knot in a cherry stem with your tongue. It’s more fun than learning astronomy and a lot more practical.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) — Wouldn’t it be cool if someone built a tree fort in one of those giant trees on the quad? I really think someone should get on this.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) — This week, try not to be that guy who asks questions in the middle of class that only affect him and don’t pertain to anyone else. You know that no one else cares, so wait until class is over.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) — One time, I deliberately ripped the corner off of one of my brother’s Don Mattingly baseball cards. But I felt really, really bad about it afterwards.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) — I think you should go around telling everyone that you’re Gangster Number One this week. They will be so afraid.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) — Try not to do too much homework this week. There are other things to do that are way more awesome. Go have a One-on-One Death Match with someone you love.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) — You’ve got a friend in Pennsylvania. Isn’t that creepy? I don’t like those people.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) — How much do you wish that, instead of tunnels, we had giant tubes that sucked people through to go anywhere on campus? Or a monorail!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) — You should invent an instrument that’s really awesome and not teach anyone else how to play it. Then every band in the world will want you in it because you’ll be the only guy who knows how to play that instrument.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) — Don’t you think ice fishing is really stupid? That little tent is not going to keep you warm, and fish are free, when you steal them from the supermarket.
(If you believe this, then hey, you don’t have to call ms. cleo this week. This is not to be takenseriously.)