Libra (Sept. 23?Oct . 22) ? I don’t know you, I don’t care to know you and I’m sure your mother feels the same way. On the upside, you’re going to get very good grades this semester.
Scorpio (Oct. 23?Nov. 21) ? You’re not crazy anymore. Congratulations. Go buy yourself some ice cream and hope the guy down the street isn’t still spiking it with Wellbutrin to make you scream less in the evening when he’s watching Jeopardy.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22?Dec 21) ? You will be touched more and more until you scream and get leprosy. After this the next incarnation of Christ will come and heal you, harkening the Armaggedon. In the event of rapture, your car will be driverless.
Capricorn (Dec. 22?Jan. 19) ? Someday your man will come. Until then you have a hand.
Aquarius (Jan. 20?Feb. 18) ? People will sing to you, you will get annoyed. Then you’ll write your own song called “You Need to Shut Up Before I Slap You.”
Pisces (Feb. 19?March 20) ? Your mother is a fish.
Aries (March 21?April 19) ? I just wanna fly. Oh wait. Horoscopes. Yeah. Never take an optics course. If you are taking one, may God be with you. Something about your natural predilictions makes those courses bad for you. Our condolences either way.
Taurus (April 20?May 20) ? You will have a very long and profitable life. Love will come early and never leave you and the hardwood floors will never get scuffed. The French maid will quit someday, but a Swedish one is not far behind.
Gemini (May 21?June 21) ? In a past life you had two heads. Luckily in this one you probably don’t. This still causes bouts of indecision in life, but heavy doses of anti-psychotics will fix this in a jiffy. We recommend skipping the-organization-formerly-known-as-Community-Mental Health-Services and just go to the inpatient clinic at Strong Memorial Hospital.
Cancer (June 22?July 22) ? You will read the paper, many, many times. Any flaws in it will be your fault.
Leo (July 23?Aug. 22) ? There’s a coffee shop in Utica with your sign in its name. If you make a pilgrimage there, things will happen.
Virgo (Aug. 23?Sept. 22) ? You will be cut down significantly and then have a picture of a fish attached to your forehead.
(If you actually believe this, call x4-help and tell them wocka-wocka-wocka. This is not to be taken seriously.)