Once upon a time, UR security reversed its previous statement that a person found intoxicated at the Sigma Epsilon Chi fraternity house was a 14-year-old girl known as “Little Red Riding Hood.” Upon further investigation the suspect was found not to be wearing a red cap, and was not little, even by the farthest stretches of imagination. It has been determined that the suspect was in fact a 35-year-old man named Paul Hood, who is a hunter by profession.

SEC was holding a party Saturday night when Security came to break it up after hearing accounts of underage drinking.

Security arrived and disbanded the party, taking Hood into custody after what they say was unruly behavior.

The fraternity emphasized that Hood’s presence at their party was completely voluntary. “His presence here was based strictly on her own will and was in no way connected to any desires or doings of ours,” SEC President Linda Goodwin said.

Hood says that security officer B. B. Wolfe singled him out. “I am obviously not a little girl,” Hood said.

“I don’t know why Wolfe decided to pick on me,” Hood said.

Wolfe stated that Hood said many insulting things towards him, including comments about the size of his eyes, ears and teeth. “What?” Hood said. “I just told him what big ears he had. It’s the truth.”

“He was implying that I looked deformed,” Wolfe said. “Telling me I have big ears, big eyes and big teeth makes me sound like some sort of freak, an animal even.”

Security released Hood, but placed him on summary disciplinary probation when it was uncovered that he has been legal to drink for almost 15 years. “The mistake was an honest one,” Wolfe said.

“We slapped the fraternity with summary probation just for good measure,” Dean of Torture Ken “The Rock” Ensies said while trying to attract attention.

“Just bring it, Jabroni,” The Rock added.

When asked about the situation, Director of Security Walter Mauldin was quoted as saying, “Huh, what? You’re not from that underground publication The Sting are you?”

The Once Upon a Times mistakenly reported the information provided by security, but made no apologies to the parties involved. “What’s a 35-year-old man doing at a frat party anyways?” OUAT wizard-in-chief Todd Hildebrandt said. “I mean, get a life.”

Wolf can be reached at dhl@security.rochester.edu

Commuting, the death of me

As a Rochester native, I wanted to get as far away from here as possible. I wanted to leave everything and everyone behind.

Neziah Osayi on the importance of financial education

“Sure, it can be once in 10 years, or it can happen the next year,” Osayi said. “But do we want to be in the same position we are today, we are tomorrow? I think not.”

Actual comedy at the Winterfest comedy night

This time, unlike last year’s Winterfest interview with Pete Davidson, each guest performed about a half hour of stand-up comedy with little to no heckling of any kind.