Once upon a time, the men’s basketball team took a trip to Salem, Va. For the NCAA Final Four.

On the way there, these merry men got lost in Sherwood Forest. Robin Hood found them and brought them back to his woodland kingdom, where he gave them all tights and taught them how to be truly merry.

With newfound closeness, the team left Sherwood and made it to Salem in time for the game. Unfortunately, the now-very-merry men were not able to concentrate on the game and several players picked up early fouls for slapping opponents on the butt too many times.

Freshman forward Seth H. scored 39 points, mostly by giving junior guard Tim S. a slap on the ass after every assist, to keep UR in the game.

“Tim just kept getting me the ball,” Seth said. “I like scoring and Mr. Hood said that we should reward the people who mean the most to us.”

But sophomore center Brian J. fouled out near the end of regulation for a particularly hard ass-slap and Tim fouled out midway through overtime.

Devastated by the loss, they turned to each other for solace. But things went a little too far for three of the not-so-merry-anymore men.

Sophomore forwards Andy L. and Makedo W. and junior center Ryan S. filed sexual harassment charges against the rest of the team.

Andy had broken his foot during the loss and was not even able to run away from his teammates.

“It was terrible,” Andy said. “I can’t even talk about it. Robin Hood brainwashed all of them and now you can’t trust them for one second.”

The Sheriff of Nottingham, who looks eerily similar to UR’s own Dean of Torture Ken Rockensies, immediately placed the 13 sexual deviants on summary disciplinary probation.

“For now that’s all we can do,” Nottingham said. “When we get more evidence we’ll have a better case. We are looking into deporting [freshman forward] Matt C. He’s from Australia, so he must be a criminal.”

The freshmen on the team initially claimed that they had been forced to go along with everything by the upperclassmen.

“I was just trying to keep my spot on the team,” freshman guard Ryan M. said. “I didn’t really want to do any of that stuff, but I thought I had to. I never thought it would get so far out of hand.

However, when asked to reveal Robin Hood’s secret hiding place, the freshmen refused and were kept on summary disciplinary probation.

“Robin Hood saved us and he taught us what is truly important in life,” freshman forward Ross B. said. “We would never betray him. He is our hero, and he has a great ass.”

With 13 members of the team unable to play in the next day’s consolation game, UR was easily defeated. Not being able to play in the game was the least of the worries for the merry men, however.

Over the night, photographs had surfaced which clearly marked each of them as sexual offenders. They were immediately charged with sexual harassment, sexual harassment outside of Sherwood Forest, attempted sexual harassment, public sexual harassment, private sexual harassment, conspiracy to commit sexual harassment, aiding and abetting others in the act of sexual harassment, sexual harassment of an injured person and sexual harassment in the presence of an Australian.

“We really got some good, hard evidence on these criminals,” Nottingham said. “When we did, we threw every book we have at them.”

Those charges were enough to send all of them to jail. They each were sent to minimum security prison in the town of Nottingham until such time as they should renounce Robin Hood and all of his merry ways.

But they found out that prison isn’t so bad for merry men, and they’re still able to play basketball. They even get more fans in jail than they ever did at UR, so they all lived happily ever after.

Lloyd does not need to be contacted. He is watching you already, waiting for you to be placed on summary disciplinary probation.

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