This week’s Get Out is directed especially at freshmen. The event is being held in and outdoors, for the rest of time, completely free. The event is called “leaving your room,” and is intended to make freshmen aware of the wide expanses of the campus beyond the frat and residential quads.
“Essentially, there is more of a campus than just your room,” Professor Gerald Gamm of political science said, “this may have a been a little confusing for the freshmen, because of freshman housing, but really, we want to get across that there are other parts of campus.”
Dean of The College William Green added, “WE HOPE THE FRESHMEN WILL REALIZE THAT THEY CAN GO PLACES OTHER THAN THE FRAT QUAD ON WEEKENDS.”
Green, of course, is referring to the many fraternities and sororities located in the Towers, Susan B. Anthony residence halls, and Phase. “THERE IS PLENTY OF ALCOHOL AVAILABLE FOR UNDERAGE DRINKING THERE AS WELL.” Green concluded.
The administration is concerned that the wrong message might have been sent with the structure of freshman housing.
Many freshmen are excited to find out about the vast possibilities offered to them by the campus.
“There are buildings on the other side of the Academic Quad?” asked freshman Jason Smith, “I really haven’t left my room much, but when my friends and I go out, we usually make a stop at the frat quad.”
For many freshmen, this first stop on the quad is also their last stop of the evening.
“My RA is a real hard-ass, so I usually make my way to the frat quad. It’s conveniently located ? I don’t have far to stumble back at four in the morning when I can barely remember my name.”
While freshman housing has helped some frats, those not located on the quad would like a piece of the action.
“We are going to have some of the brothers become Freshman Fellows next year,” reported Andrew Friedel ’03, president of the Sigma Epsilon Chi fraternity, “it’s the only way we can get the word out to the freshman that we also have parties.
SEC is located in Phase, a set of residence halls which many freshmen aren’t even aware of.
“I thought that was just another footbridge to the 19th ward, and the other freshmen and I were all afraid to cross it,” reported freshman Jennifer Bands.
“I think someone said that’s where the heroin cartel is located, or maybe it was the mafia. Either way, I’m not going over there.”
In order to counteract this problem, Administration is declaring the “year-round party plan.” In this new plan, Dean Green explains that “A STUDENT’S GPA IS NOW CALCULATED AS HIS ACTUAL GPA MODIFIED BY THE PERCENTAGE OF NON-FRAT QUAD FRATS AND SORORITIES HE OR SHE HAS ATTENDED PARTIES AT.”
“EXTRA CREDIT WILL BE GIVEN TO THOSE WHO DEMONSTRATE TALENTS AT BEIRUT.”
This is only part of the plan, however. Administration is also modifying the dining plan to a new “scavenger hunt” dining plan.
Freshman dining plans will now be based on a scavenger hunt. “The complaints about the block plan have been heard, and we are working on a change” Director of Dining Services Troy Beason said.
“In the new plan, freshmen have to find their ‘blocks,’ ? actual pieces of wood which can be exchanged for meals ? which we have hidden all around campus.”
No blocks will be hidden in the residential quad, as that would make it too easy.
Dean of Torture Ken “The Rock” Ensies placed the outdoors on Summary Disciplinary Probation.
Gary Coleman is upset, a hug would be appreciated.