Once upon a time in a land far, far away Star Wars happened. However, last week in Wilson Commons the “coming out” ball for Prince Charming went on. Did it ever.

Everyone who was anyone was there and the dresses were to die for.

The night began with an introduction from His “Royal” Highness, Thomas Jackson in which he declared that “Once upon a time the Kingdom of Rochester was a respected institution of higher learning. Then I instituted the Rennaissance Plan and killed off half of the graduate programs and now we’ve become less respected and managed to still get asked ‘Rochester? In Minnesota?’ That, is my crowning achievement.”

He then proceeded to introduce the rest of the Royal court, all in their glorious splendor. Except for that tragic thing (it doesn’t deserve to be called a dress) that Senior Associate Director of ResHell Laurylopolis Contomanopoloplis wore and her craaazy crazy hair.

The music, supplied by a group of peasants in traditional yellow-colored jackets attempted versions of *NSUCK’s “Pop Goes the Weasle.” It sucked. End of story. One more waste of beating a dead cat.

Ashley Conner, wearing a divine white chiffon number with a plunging neckline, looked fabulous until, in a screaming fit over the presence of food at a Students’ Association event, she spilled the crimson punch down the front. What a waste of good vodka. The food was approved by King Rouzer long ago at any rate.

In response to her outburst, Dean of the College Billy Green in a cute pink tu-tu leaned over and hoarsely screamed in Dean of Torture Ken “The Rock” Ensies ear to “put that ho on summary disciplinary probation.”

To which “The Rock” turned around and placed Connored on summary disciplinary probation.

Connored’s response, in a fit of typical irritation announced that she was “too bootylicious for this shit” and stormed out, breaking a heel in the process. Ain’t life a bitch?

Rivers can be reached at her detox facility in the valley.



Israeli-Palestinian conflict reporting disclosures

The Campus Times is a club student newspaper with a small reporting staff at a small, private University. We are…

Colin’s Review Rundown: Future and Metro Boomin, Lizzy McAlpine, Benson Boone, Civerous

Is it bad? Definitely not! But I found myself continually checking my phone to see how many tracks were left.

The NBA’s MVP candidates

Against the Cleveland Cavaliers, center Nikola Jokić posted 26 points, 18 rebounds, and 16 assists in 35 minutes. That same…