Aries (March 21?April 19) ? If you’re not careful you’ll end up tied to a lightpost and beaten. Wait. You enjoy that. Be careful that your love interests know of your proclivities to prevent dramatic events.
Taurus (April 20?May 20) ? Money is running tight, you have bills to pay and a car that can seem to be possessed by the demon known as Celine Dion ? don’t worry your head one bit. It’ll all come together soon and you’ll be set.
Gemini (May 21?June 21) ? You ignored last issue’s advice and now look at you! You’re orange. It’ll clear up as you get back into the school groove. Wait for real sun next time.
Cancer (June 22?July 22) ? Don’t trip and fall on a pickaxe this week. That would be bad. The stars will lead you to safety. Get yourself out on I-90 and go stargazing. Don’t move for one week.
Leo (July 23?Aug. 22) ? A recent check is making you want to go shopping for new clothes. Wait a week, the Gap doesn’t have anything your style yet.
Virgo (Aug. 23?Sept. 22) ? After chatting with Ms. Warwick it was decided that this is to be your week. Do whatever you want and you’ll be insanely successful. Enjoy yourself and don’t get bogged down by details.
Libra (Sept. 23?Oct.22) ? Your papers are getting out of hand, start working and you’ll be able to save this semester. If you do the next school year will be a breeze. If you don’t the pit you’ll be in is unimaginable.
Scorpio (Oct. 23?Nov. 21) ? Close family members may get sick in the near future. Don’t worry about them too much, they’ll be okay regardless of the outcome. Make sure that you take care of yourself as well.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22?Dec 21) ? Oh baby! You’re on fire. Keep playing the boys and don’t worry about the consequences, by the time they come around you’ll have found Mr. Right and all the Mr. Right Nows won’t matter.
Capricorn (Dec. 22?Jan. 19) ? Charm will win you many allies and friends this week. Consider putting these talents to work in a political career.
Aquarius (Jan. 20?Feb. 18) ? A recent loss might’ve gotten you a little bit down. You’ll start feeling better very soon if you don’t already. Feed off of this and revel in life. Its out there to be conquered and you have what it takes to do it.
Pisces (Feb. 19?March 20) ? Rochester is second in cases of gonorrhea per capita in the United States. Begin watching your sexual activities or we’ll end up first.
(If you actually believe this, call Ms. Cleo tomorrow. This is not to be taken seriously.)
