I was going to write about effective hair removal products this week.

My article would have enlightened every beach-bound spring breaker.

But I cannot do that anymore. Something has come up, in more ways than one ? you will see what I mean by that later. In any case, this week’s article is about scandal.

What is scandal? According to the dictionary, a scandal is a publicized incident that brings about disgrace or offends the moral sensibilities of society. According to me, scandal is devious and downright dirty.

Scandal has rocked the UR community. And, no, this is not of the Olympic variety. This is a little more dire, a little more serious, a little more my problem.

Now, I do not want to alarm anyone, but please sit down. This is going to be hard to hear.

Someone has stolen the annual campus porn.

Some might say stolen is a strong word to use ? perhaps, “not given back” is a more appropriate term. But I believe that the severity of this action deserves severe words.

A good laugh

Sure, it is funny to think about. Haha, someone stole the campus porn! What a sicko!

I would laugh, too. That is, I would laugh if I were not the one the multi-media center thought stole it!

Excuse me, but I do not watch porn. I do not like porn. Yet, I steal porn. Obviously, I need some therapy.

I knew from the start that I should not have agreed to review the porn. I had a bad feeling about it. Just look at the trouble I’m in now!

Just like Scooby and the gang, I intend to get to the bottom of this mystery. I have been shamed.

How will I be accepted into the campus community? How will I tell my parents? They did not know I reviewed the porn ? now they think I am some kind of deranged lunatic who steals pornographic films.

Repercussions

I will be kicked out of my family. I might as well move to Hollywood and start making my own films, because life as I know it is over.

Whoever stole the porn, you know who you are. And soon I will know who you are, too. And once I find you, you will not really get the same kind of kick out of watching porn.

So either return “Thighs Wide Open” or keep your thighs wide shut when I meet you. You will not get away with this.

Campus community, fear not. The porn will be found in time for its Saturday premier, trust me. To rip off “Field of Dreams,” if you are there, it will come.

Oh, and in case you were wondering about hair removal, I did conduct a thorough study with my friends over the summer. For chests, legs, and bikini lines, waxing works best.

Follow the directions on the box, and give yourself two to three days to fully recover.

A little tip ? squeeze your eyes shut as you pull ? it hurts less.

And have some ice cubes on hand to numb the area afterwards. Hey, it hurts to be beautiful!

Haber can be reached at bhaber@campustimes.org.



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