It’s that time of year again. Birds are singing again, the grass is casting off its shroud of snow ? not in Rochester of course ? and the chocolate hearts are selling like, well, hotcakes.

Valentine’s Day is here, and that means that the illustrious UR Cinema Group will once again mark this occasion by showing hardcore pornography in Hubbell Auditorium.

Past showings of the campus porn have been met with reviews that were at best mixed. Last year’s feature was, to use the wise words of Samuel L. Jackson, “some fucked-up repugnant shit.”

Some of us still have nightmares about the women who starred in the flick. However, enjoying the privilege of being a CT staff movie reviewer, I was offered an advance screening of this year’s film, “Thighs Wide Open.” I feel privileged indeed.

Well, the change from last year’s “College Cuties” is astounding. First of all, the women are attractive this time, without instances of their relaxed pelvic floors reaching the actual floor.

Another welcome difference is that none of the female stars appear to be over 40-years old, or over 200 pounds. Granted, years of drug abuse are clearly entrenched in the lines of their faces, but hey, occupational hazards exist in every profession.

Also, breasts are still big and fake, there is enough make-up to paint a house and certain body cavities are wide enough to drive a truck through.

But on to the important stuff. There is anal! Needless to say there is also everything else we expect from a porn, such as endless oral, money shots and some dirty, dirty talking. The acting is atrocious and the music is corny, but would we want it any other way?

The film’s plot, dare I call it that, is a loosely formulated pornification (no, that’s not a real word) of Stanley Kubrick’s “Eyes Wide Shut.” The story is about a husband and wife who have lost the fire in their marriage after being together for three years. I understood that part.

Past that, there is a lot of penetration of every sort, lesbians and the works. I’m fairly sure that the plot didn’t just abruptly cease to exist 20 minutes into the picture, but I certainly didn’t pay attention to it.

Cruise and Kidman must not have been available, but such eminent stars as Chloe, Bridget Kerkove and Randy Spears were. Their presence makes the film pornorific! … or pornolicious, whatever your individual preference is.

Still, it must be noted that the reason we go to the Hubbell porn is not to enjoy the film, so much as to enjoy the attitude with which the audience approaches it and the atmosphere that prevails.

How often, as UR students, do we get to hear someone drunkenly shout at the screen in Hubbell, “Stick it in her butt!” and then actually see it happen?

Bavli can be reached at mbavli@campustimes.org.



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