There are a lot of things in this world that taste bad. I mean really bad. Bad beyond any taste sensation we humans were ever supposed to experience.

It had been a late night. I had been drinking single malt scotches and Ale all night, and I was feeling rough.

As I walked home, a horrible film began to build up in my mouth. I recognized it ? it was the dryness of mixing your fine liquors and beer. There was also the taste of those Dutch Masters I had smoked outside the bar.

Walking up the front steps, I fiddled relentlessly with my keys. I needed to get to my toothbrush. The more urgent my need for the tube of Crest, the less I could see the hole in the door that my key would magically fit through.

I finally stumbled in and made it to the bathroom. I didn?t turn the light on, for I knew my eyes and head couldn?t handle it. I opened the medicine cabinet and searched for my tube of lovely mint flavored toothpaste. I found it, and instinctively put it on my brush. I began to scrub my mouth furiously.

Yet no familiar suds formed to signal the ritualistic cleansing. I began to realize that the awful taste of stale alcohol was being replaced by something even more horrendous.

I flicked on the light. On top of the sink was the tube of diaper ointment that I had gotten after my first tattoo to keep it from peeling. I had been brushing my teeth with a lethal lotion made of zinc oxide.

I wondered if I should call poison control like the label advised, but I became distracted by how bad it tasted rather than how poisonous it was. I simply passed out, safe and secure with the knowledge that my mouth would be free of diaper rash.

Although I think my ingestion of zinc oxide still has mental ramifications today, its most lasting effect was the memory of how bad it had tasted. Now no matter what I eat, I am always comforted by the fact that at least it tastes better than diaper rash ointment.

This is a disclaimer ? I don?t really know how many of you actually try any of my recipes, or if you have, if you actually found them as tasty as I did. Perhaps I made a typo and said that you needed to add half a cup of salt when I meant sugar.

No matter what kitchen calamities you might encounter, as long as you can say ?at least it tastes better than zinc oxide,? I have done my job.

If any of you lovely devoted readers out there has a recipe that you think tastes better than medicated ointment, please e-mail them to me at cc012g. In the meantime, brush your teeth three times a day with an ADA approved substance, and bon appetit!



Research at Rochester: Anthropology fellowship supports and collaborates with local community

LEAF works closely with the local organization Flower City Noire Collective (FCNC) to carry out ethnographic research.

Birding club takes flight

Birding Club has realized what the vast majority of onlookers have known for quite some time: These birds are fucking lame.

Displaced students weigh in on renters insurance debate

The reality is that floods like the one in Brooks Crossings are random accidents that occur once in a while, and many students were not prepared for an accident of this sort and thus uninsured.