The sounds of laughter and helicopter blades reverberated through the George Goergen Athletic Center this past Friday afternoon.

?One minute he was shaking his booty on the elliptical machine and the next he was flat out on his face,? sophomore Itsa Boy said.

UR Professor of Linguistics Shaquan Goldstein, however, told a much more complicated tale at a press conference from his bed at Strong Hospital.

?I always secretly wanted to be a backup dancer and shed this stuffy academic life,? Goldstein began.


?I was watching the J. Lo video, ?Love Don?t Cost a Thing,? on MTV, and as everyone knows, the video is bumpin?. You know, where she is almost naked wearing that hot gold shirt.

?Next thing I know, I throw my hip out and flip off the machine,? Goldstein continued.

Although there were over 50 witnesses to the event, students and athletic center employees took 35 minutes to call UR Security.

?He just looked so friggin? funny,? senior Mruczek Baryshnikov said.

?He was crying like a little girl and there was blood everywhere. It was just awesome,? he said.

The truth

?All I know is that I had to go to five different towel dispensers and none of them had paper towels,? senior Ivana Hump said.

?Besides, I?ve been requesting a Swedish masseuse here for months and they still haven?t gotten one. This little accident is small potatoes compared to my problems,? she said.

Not only did Goldstein fall, onlookers reported, but his shoelaces became intricately entangled in the pedals of the elliptical machine.

Paramedics had to use the jaws of life to detach his Adidas fiberglass laces from the machine.

Unsympathetic turds

?I don?t think he was screaming like a little girl, it was probably just the fact that his headphones were twisted around his throat,? Director of UR Security Walter Mauldin said.

Paramedics airlifted Goldstein to Strong. In order to break through the wall of the athletic center, Medical Emergency Response Team, also assisting Goldstein, stole a forklift from the nearby construction of the Simon School.

Paramedics then made a hole in the wall large enough to pull Goldstein onto the roof where the helicopter waited.

?Wheeee!? head paramedic John I?mabigman said. ?I?ve never been in one of these things before, and I just wanted to take it for a ride. Hey, how do you drive these things??

Simma down

Reconstruction of the athletic center will begin in the fall. Tuition will be raised by 15 percent to pay for it.

Goldstein is recovering from the incident and has two broken femurs and a bad headache.

?I?m suing the pants off MTV,? he said. ?When I?m done, I want to be able to buy that gold shirt off J. Lo?s back ?cause love does cost a thing?.?

Director of Admissions Jamie Hobba asked what a treadmill is.

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